Gardening, it’s a surprisingly complex field of work for something that most people just take on as a hobby. In today’s high stress world a lot of people take on gardening as a method to unwind. The slow, gradual process of tending to a garden and watching it grow can give you hours of productive work to do that doesn’t actually require a great deal of thinking, worrying, or bickering with coworkers. As such, many people, including the psyche major working in human resources, have recommended that you should take up gardening as a method of staving off the strain of your soul-crushing job. However, after only a short time, you’ve realized something’s gone terribly wrong.
The act of growing a living thing that only requires sunlight, water, and soil should be a simple task. But anyone who has ever tried it knows that it’s filled with hidden pitfalls and challenges. You may have planted in the wrong location, over-watered, under-watered, failed to properly fertilize, or trimmed it in the wrong way. Any number of these can lead to having a dead plant in your garden. And, for some of us, it’s fortunate that plants aren’t sentient or we’d be serial killers.
But one of the greatest challenges of gardening is pest control. Pests, whether they be bugs, small animals, or simply children, are the sworn enemy of a thriving garden and will generally require you to bring out the poison. Unfortunately that doesn’t always work, with some bugs being resistant and children being illegal to poison. And for those exceptions it can take a trickier approach that may involve organic solutions or even grabbing some sort of psychological device like a tiny scarecrow or a dog that hates small kids. However, should it turn out that you can’t manage to make anything grow, it may not just be that you’re terrible with plants, you may have a pest you didn’t account for.
From time to time, everyone gets lonely. Unlike others you know who have formed tightly knit groups, you have always just kind of tended to be a solitary soul. Frankly, it’s hard to deal with people on a regular basis. You’re not exactly the social butterfly. You’ve never been very outgoing, certainly could never be described as an extrovert, and sometimes you’d prefer if everyone just left you alone. But sometimes, even someone like you could use some company. Unfortunately, you’re an Ogre – and not the civilized kind.
Yes, a lot of Orcs and Ogres have kept up with modern times, but you’re not one of those. You’ve managed to somehow fall behind the curve and it has greatly impacted your social life as the rest of the world passed you by and took your friends with it. Once upon a time you were fairly standard for an Ogre, but several of your friends have long ago settled down with a nice woman who has gotten them into shape. In fact, since then, they haven’t really come by your place that much either. At first you thought they were sick, but they’ve clearly decided she smells better than you do – not that it was much of a contest.
This makes things tricky. Simply being an introvert or anti-social is a hard enough mountain to climb. But an anti-social backwater Ogre? Even the ice breakers generally involve a lot more screaming than you’re willing to tolerate. You can’t remember the last time you invited someone to dinner where the guest didn’t bring a pitchfork. And let’s not forget the shed. Frankly, you’re a little surprised that so many women were interested enough to get there. Maybe it was the intimidation factor, the wealth, your reputation, or that fabulous beard – it’s kind of hard to tell.
Regardless, now that the season of parties is upon us, you’re looking to make some invitations and try again. If you’re ever going to get back in touch with your brethren, you’re going to have a lot of catching up to do. Hopefully, this time, nothing will get set on fire… Continue reading Being A Modern Ogre→
Being a giant can be a rough, lonely experience. In a world simply not built for you, some things just have to be accepted. You’ll always have to purchase two seats on an airplane. No bicycle is meant to withstand your weight. Doorways will forever require you to duck before you can enter any room. There are ways around this, but for the most part you’re just going to have to get a lot of custom work done.
But that’s fine, in the modern world getting something custom made can be as easy as finding the right people to do something for you. If you have the will and the money, someone will have the way. But it’s not enough to simply run to Etsy, you’re going to want to get the best. More than anyone, you know that things in this world are not made to last, so how about things meant for someone like you?
Golems, nature’s most huggable landslides. Often upstanding members of the community, these gentle rock hard giants give new meaning to the description “cut like granite”. But with their stony exterior comes a severe problem. As the summer sun comes around and it’s time for everyone to show off their beach body, you’re left wondering if you can really be presentable. Dry, scaly skin is one thing, but skin with the same texture as the beach you’re standing on just might be too much.
After all, in today’s climate you just can’t risk looking natural. In the age of spray-on tans, wrinkle creams directed at 20 somethings, and cosmetic procedures designed to make you look like a doll – flaws are unacceptable. Once upon a time it was unusual to look like a Barbie doll, but now people are paying for it. And, let’s be honest, you never thought you’d live to see the day where people could honestly have a debate on whether or not someone got butt implants.
So let’s go ahead and attack that nasty skin problem of yours, shall we? And remember, only do some of these if you’re a Golem because they would just be stupid otherwise.
In the Alters’ World (and the series of books found here), creatures of legend reveal themselves to the world. Born through genetic abnormalities, defects and mutations, the Alters have lived for centuries as outcasts of human society, hiding their true nature from the world while colorful stories have been written by many to describe what they’ve seen. How are these creatures different from what was described in the stories? What relationship do they have with humanity? Every entry of the Alterpedia will delve into a new creature from around the world. This week we cover:
Brought to life with sacred rites by holy men in need, the Golem is a symbol of divine protection. As time goes on, these creatures have evolved from simple living clay statues to elementals willed to life by a variety of means. However they’re depicted, these creatures stand as guardians over those who have summoned them and the people of their community.
But where would the Jewish have gotten the idea to bring to life earthen figures? How would they know that such a feat were possible? Why is it that they were so sure such a spell would work when few miracles of this sort did not involve actual intervention from the heavens?
The Muses, guiding the human race since the dawn of civilization and showing us the path to grand new ideas. Throughout the history of mankind we’ve called on them for their inspiration and wisdom. This has led us from living in simple huts to constructing glistening towers of glass and steel. We’ve gone from struggling to tame animals to being able to surpass their talents with powerful machines. We’ve achieved things never dreamed of, reaching an age of endless wonder and scientific miracles.
But sometimes those Muses are not doing it with our best interests at heart. For every story of inspiration out there, there have been just as many stories of tortured and tormented minds, chasing a dream. Writers, artists, and great thinkers throughout history have been consumed by their goals and driven to the brink of madness. Some of them have turned to drugs. Others have become isolated loners with severe social issues. The stereotype has long held that the most brilliant of minds are often also the most unhappy. This can certainly be blamed on the Muses.
Why do they do this to us? Is it because they have a sinister goal to consume us? Do they want to profit from our hard work and leave us shattered people in their wake? Are we just really neurotic monkey people who happen to need a scapegoat for the fact we sometimes lose our minds once we’re stuck on a thought?
We may never know the answer to these questions. But what we do know is that, when the Muse is upon you, she may drive you to your limits. Certainly you’ve felt it: the thinning patience, the build of stress, doubts and fears beginning to creep through your mind. It’s time to learn how to deal with the Muse, before she destroys you! Continue reading Coping With A Pushy Muse→
The days are growing shorter and the humans are starting to act a little strange again. You’re seeing them hang skeletons in their windows, corpses on their lawns, and they’re buying pumpkins in bulk. And let’s not even get started on what else they’ve been doing with the pumpkins.
But the one thing that truly intrigues you is the idea of this Halloween they do every year. Sure, you were around when it was called the Samhain, but now they’ve gone and made it more fun and less solemn. You can get to drink, eat ridiculous foods that shouldn’t exist, and play games with complete strangers. And, best of all, for the first time all year – you’ll fit right in! Yes, the costumes are on the way and that means you can disguise yourself as something completely different.
Just one problem, the costume choices aren’t doing it for you. You spend all year being a little… quirky, so you really don’t need to be doing it again for Halloween. The standard vampire, werewolf, zombie and grim reaper options are pretty mundane as far as your day-to-day goes. It’s time to go wild, go crazy, and do something really wild. May I suggest to you the perfect costume: normal people. Continue reading Dressing Up Like A Human→
Life is full of challenges, everyone can tell you that. One day you may be on top of the world only to find yourself waking up the next day with signs of a nosebleed and a complete inability to remember where you left your pants. This is normal, or at least as normal as some people can get, so all we can ever really do is learn to live with the random things that may befall us in our lives. But not all things that could happen to us are random acts of nature or stupidity. No, some things are coming to challenge you directly and aren’t going to just let you brush them of. When that happens, are you ready to face your inner demons? Or even your outer demons?
Case in point: swimming or even walking on the waterfront can be dangerous. Sure, you’re probably thinking about things like undertow, flash floods, and not being beach body ready. But there are bigger things to consider, worse things to deal with, you’re going to need to be ready for the real threat of the deep. And the question is: when that happens, are you ready for the ultimate challenge?
It’s been a while now since the last time you got out and about with people. There were some hiccups in the past, people weren’t too thrilled with spending time around you. Who can blame them? You have some odd habits, a strange sense of humor, and don’t even get me started about your sense of fashion.
But it’s a new day, a brand new start for you with brand new people. They don’t know anything about you, so you can be anything you want to be now. Your past is behind you and the future’s bright. You’ll be able to grab life with both hands and squeeze it for all it’s worth.
Okay, maybe that was some unfortunate phrasing, all things considered…
But it’s still the truth, this is your time to shine. All you’re going to need to do is make sure you don’t repeat some of your past mistakes. In fact, with a little bit of adjustment you may just survive the modern social scene. All you need to do is not fuck it up! Continue reading Socializing With The Living→
Congratulations on moving out on your own. The family was getting to be a bit too much to deal with in such limited space, but you’ve finally got some space of your own. Things are looking up. And it’s such a steal too, despite the high price of real estate and the fact you’re living in a major metropolis you managed to get some wonderful space that most people would have to pay thousands of dollars every month for.
But, despite your enthusiasm, you have to admit to yourself that it is still just a little bit cramped. Luckily for you, we live in a world where people have figured out how to live in just about any environment with some planning and space saving techniques.
And your people have been doing it longer than most. After all, your grandfather would consider you spoiled for living in such wonderful conditions now. You have walls, a ceiling, and probably some running water that is easily accessible through the dripping pipe. So really the only question left is: how do you make your choice real estate feel more comfortable? Continue reading Sprucing Up Your Hole In The Wall→