The true cost of the season…

As this holiday season comes to a close and those of you who celebrate Boxing Day try to squeeze one last drop out of the holiday spirit of charity and generosity, I ask you now to think of the needy one more time…

Every year a secret caste of poor, unfortunate souls goes unnoticed by the world. Abused, beaten, neglected… they’ve done nothing wrong to deserve their treatment. Though their pictures are everywhere during this holiday season, few have stopped to consider their plight. Sadly, with each passing year, countless of them die from cold, hunger or what would be minor injuries in the rest of the world. Won’t you please now think of the Christmas Elves?

For centuries, 100% of Christmas gifts delivered from the North Pole have been the product of slave labor. Since ancient times, this entire subset of the elven race has been owned by one man.

For all the debate of whether he’s black or white, human or penguin; the truth is that Santa Claus is one thing and one thing only: an asshole.

Their conditions are harsh in the frozen north and their life is spent working under constant neglect and torment. Thought to just be naturally short, the truth is that these poor lost souls are either children forced to work throughout the year or malnourished adults that could never quite grow properly.

Though they work for one of the most successful manufacturers in history, few resources are spent on the needs of the labor force, instead going to their master’s voracious appetite for cookies, eggnog and scantily clad women he insists be referred to as his wife.

Due to neglect, lack of supervision and poor workplace safety regulations, countless die every year from a wide variety of ailments such as:


Reindeer mauling

Being eaten by Polar Bears

And Type-2 Diabetes from surviving on stolen candy canes

There are no charities to donate to, no men in costume ringing bells in their favor. No, even if there were, these charities couldn’t begin to know how to find a factory that somehow survives the summer despite supposedly being built on a sheet of ice. The only way you and I can help these poor souls is to start writing to the one organization  in the world that can do something about it: NORAD.

Every year NORAD, a joint operation between the US and Canadian governments for airspace defense, tracks the movements of this jolly bastard. If we start the campaign right now, writing to them, even calling them with their hotline when it opens again next year, we can tell them to finally do what they should have done years ago. Together, we can tell NORAD to oppose the true enemy of freedom and finally point their guns into the air on Christmas Eve 2014.

And finally, the elves may have a Merry Christmas too.

 (Also, on the off chance you got an e-reader yesterday: I write books too. Oh, and you can turn off the soul crushing song below. You’re welcome.)