Category Archives: About me

Room to Breathe

It’s the middle of allergy season and I’ll be damned if I let the flowers beat me. I’ve spent the last 5 days so miserably sick that I’ve actually accepted that my afternoons and evenings are forfeit. I used to be stronger than this, but I’ve spent 90% of my life in a place that slowly drains the life out of you. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but that’s only if it stops trying to kill you. Mother nature is pissed at me in particular and she’s not afraid to let me know. But, hey, we can’t let that stop us from moving forward, can we?

I’ve been trying for the past week to promote my blog with renewed energy. Spamming social media like no tomorrow, the only people out there who sent more useless messages out into the internet those days were probably those poor Princes in Nigeria that everyone ignores. And it worked, I saw the traffic of my site quadruple in a day and double again the next. It’s still not spectacular, mind you, but for a short time I felt like people wanted to hear what I have to say.

It reminded me what it felt like to breathe. Continue reading Room to Breathe

The Wonders of Fukitol

Let’s face it, if you’re here as a writer, either an amateur or a professional, you know that there are just times when you can’t quite feel it. Maybe you’ve got a deadline you know you aren’t going to meet. Maybe you were really excited about a project until you actually got into the meat of it. Maybe you’ve just watched yourself fail miserably a couple times and can’t quite bring yourself to charge that wall again. Hell, maybe you turned to sweet mother alcohol to get you through a rough day, blacked out, and woke up in Bangkok with the realization that you’re reliving The Hangover Part 2 and you’ve officially hit rock bottom.

rock bottom

Whatever the case, we all hit a moment when we just can’t take it anymore and need to change something, never realizing that what we’re changing isn’t usually for the best. Hell, Stephen King’s best work was when he was blitzed out of his mind – and sure, he’s healthier now, but you have to admit a little part of you misses the time when he didn’t know what the hell he was doing but enjoying every minute of it. I hate to say it, but sometimes we could all use a little bit of that.

overdrive
Look upon the face of creation.

But, let’s face it, most things that can reach true King, Poe, or Verne levels of blitzed are fairly illegal and expensive. Sure, you could probably skip ramen for a week and crank out a novella after going without sleep for 7 days, but it’s hard to get a publishing deal from a prison cell (unless it’s low security, in that case your cellmate is probably an executive somewhere).

For those of us who don’t feel like spending the night negotiating the geopolitical landscape of the local prison gangs, I propose another solution… Fukitol.

Continue reading The Wonders of Fukitol

Your Work Defines Itself

Years ago, when starting as a serious writer, I went to what everyone does for advice in our age – the internet. There’s a lot of it out there, because everyone is willing to tell you what to do (hell, I’m doing it right now), so I amassed a fairly comprehensive collection of posts and links on the topic of being a writer. The advice I got was fairly universal across the board. There were a few outliers here or there, but for the most part they all said variations of the same exact thing over and over.

“Every writer in today’s world has to sell themselves above all else.”

It used to be that publishers did the advertising and writers generated content. But in today’s world the publisher generally doesn’t do as much advertising anymore – they just print and distribute. That’s one of the primary reasons self-publishing is taking off and why eBooks have started to become the forefront of the market. Writers who could generate their own audiences figure they shouldn’t have to use a middle man. It’s far from a perfect system, but if we’re going to advertise ourselves anyway, we might as well get what we’re worth. So I was told I needed to start advertising for myself because that was going to be a requirement no matter what I did. Publisher or not, I was mostly on my own.

I was told I needed to start a blog, so I did. I was told I needed to get involved in social media, so I did. I was told I needed to make sure that the audience knew who I was, so I do. And the thing is, that’s all great advice. Even if you were to go the traditional route, as I just mentioned, you aren’t going to get a publishing deal unless you can show the publisher that you can amass an audience, and it’s always an uphill battle. But one mistake I’m seeing a lot lately is one I made myself, so I think it couldn’t hurt to add one more piece of advice on top of the pile that I think could really help a lot of writers out there (including myself).

You see, when I started my blog and everything else, it was during the initial rise of social media. And when I was told to tell everyone who I was, I looked around and I saw that everyone was interested in the same basic information. We live in a time where Identity politics consume almost every corner of our lives in one way or another. Since the advent of Twitter, Tumblr, and to a lesser extent Facebook – your “identity” is often broken down into a series of labels that tell the world who you are at a glance.

Look around, most of the profiles you find on the internet, even for writers, happen to include at least one identity label of some sort in it. We’ll generally say what genre we write, what we’ve published, and then, usually, some labels to fill in our identity in under 140 characters. They aren’t always the same labels, but they’re labels none-the-less. We’ve been groomed to think that our lives can be boiled down to five words or less.

But, after putting myself under a tremendous amount of stress over the concept for a few years now, I have realized that we may be causing ourselves and what we care about more harm than good…

Continue reading Your Work Defines Itself

Live Long and Prosper, Peace and Long Life

I haven’t updated in over a week. Life got in the way and I spent the last week knee deep in grass clippings and mud. Suffice to say, I was deeply touched by the message of Odinani about paying proper respect to Ala and got a little swept up in it. Or I just had to do some lawn care that became progressively more complicated as time went by. It was one of these, and I’ll never say which.

But as I rose from my tormented slumber, I found the internet ablaze with news that was causing tremendous outpouring of emotion from all corners of the internet.

Seriously, have you seen this fucking dress?

dress

And of course, Phil Robertson apparently said something outrageous again, which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone anymore.

robertson

But then something actually important happened: Leonard Nimoy died, and for a brief moment… everyone stopped talking about that damned dress…

Continue reading Live Long and Prosper, Peace and Long Life

A Brighter Future

As someone who puts what I think online as an occupation, I’ve been insulted a lot. This isn’t new to me, but it has been a bit more common since I started a blog and opened a twitter account. I’ve been called many things, from “fraud” to “Californistan Idiot”, and most of them are just knee-jerk reactions from knee-jerk people. But the one that I’ve often heard throughout my life is a common impression that I “think too much”.

I try to laugh and not get sad about the fact that’s apparently an insult in today’s society.

It’s taken many variations over the years, but the common thread is that if I stop to think and really analyze something rather than get swept up in the emotion of it – I’m an asshole. It’s not just random people on the internet either, I’ve been informed of this by friends a few times. I often joke that I’m just a robot who is trying to understand what humans call “love” – and a couple people have implied that I really am just a machine.

Data_poker_face
I have no idea what they are talking about.

However, one insult of this variety recently came in the form of someone calling me “cynical”. Ironically, this man then proceeded to show he didn’t know what cynicism was as he went on basing his entire argument against me in his own personal cynicism. But it was the same old argument that I’ve had with almost everyone I’ve ever known: “why can’t you just let me be angry/sad/happy about this thing without making me think about it?!”

The simple reason? Because I’m not cynical, I have a lot of hope for where we’re going. I expect better of us, and more importantly, I expect…

Continue reading A Brighter Future

The Adventures of Varner II

You’ve exited a long tunnel and found yourself in a place with somewhat dusty air under a colorful yet unnerving sky. There’s a faint scent of moisture, but no sign of rain, almost like the Earth itself is sweating. A walnut tree stands in front of you – a strange one that doesn’t seem completely natural. The longer you stare at it, the stranger the sky becomes. Is that a T-Rex skull trying to eat the sun or are you tripping balls?

No time to think about that, the tunnel has closed behind you and you’ve realized you have jack all in your pockets except some old movie ticket stubs, lint, a fist full of Mexican Pesos, and that “special” brownie you were saving for Christmas. You need to figure out what to do next.

>EAT BROWNIE|

That wasn’t exactly helpful, and now you have no choice but to sit and wait for your legs to exist again. In the meantime, you’ve decided to pass the time by reading a blog post you just found on the ground. You can’t quite figure out why there’s a blog out in the middle of nowhere but it probably has something to do with the brownie… Continue reading The Adventures of Varner II

How PC Does Your Story Need To Be?

Despite modern advances, one could say that being a writer today is actually somewhat harder than it was in the past. It’s true that anyone can get published now due to the ease of self-publishing through eBooks. The indie market is thriving now more than it ever has in the history of literature. But at the same time the industry is dwindling, the market is saturating, and the money is flowing in other directions. This will change with time, but we’re in something of a pinch that never existed before and it does put you under some pressure to consider all angles as you write.

One of the new things to become an issue in the modern day is the idea that your work offending someone might, in turn, cause an angry horde to come kicking down your digital door. In the old days, if you pissed someone off you might have a fatwa declared against you like Salman Rushdie did. But Salman could just avoid going to countries where people were likely to carry that out. It worked for a lot of people who needed to avoid the people their work offended and, as I often like to point out, it worked out just fine for Rushdie.

Salman-Rushdie-Padma-Lakshmi

But the internet brings everyone right to your doorstep. Maybe they can’t pose a serious threat to your life (though many may try to make you feel like they could), but they’re there and they never go away. Some people have had this hit them and rode it like a wave into success. Would we have seen the phenomenon of Harry Potter had fundamentalist Christians not lost their god damn minds over it? It’s hard to say. But what isn’t hard to say is that, before Harry Potter, most children’s book series were lucky to net their author 6 figures and Rowling has easily crossed 8.

But for newer writers, I have something important to tell you…
Continue reading How PC Does Your Story Need To Be?

WTF: FTW – F**k The Walnuts

So, anyone who’s followed this blog for a long period of time knows that in the last month I’ve become somewhat spotty on my updates (read: nearly non-existant). This is pretty common among writers who have blogs, we tend to disappear and then come back swearing that we’re going to do better… then we don’t. Let’s face it, 90% of the blogs out there that have been updated by a writer have tanked after 2 years. But the eagle-eyed among you will notice I’ve been updating this thing for 4 years now and that this was probably my strongest year yet.

Masochist

So where the fuck have I been?

Well, for that, I’d like to explain to you the reason for the season and tell you about some trees, son (sorry, needed a rhyme there). So for the followers I have, all one of you, I’m now going to tell you a story about… Continue reading WTF: FTW – F**k The Walnuts

WTF? Amazon wants MY help?

You don’t know it, but right now there’s a war going on for the soul of the publishing industry. It’s been fought long and hard and there have been casualties: bookstores, newspapers, the hope that any doctor’s office would update their reading selection. All in all, it’s not gone well for anyone. But the war rages on and recently it escalated because two powers decided to mobilize everything they got at each other.

uncle-2Bsam
Uncle Amazon Wants You

It started back with that price fixing thing I was pissed off about a while back. Several book publishers had decided among themselves to fix the prices of eBooks so they could try to make sure that none of them had to actually compete to sell a book. They effectively made the rest of us look like assholes and idiots for running our book prices as low as we could while laughing and forcing the consumer to pay more for each copy.

I hated them.

But then they got busted and they started to fold pretty quickly. One of the chief forces behind this was Amazon, who realized that their ebook market was the most successful ebook market out there and that they were making mountains of cash off of it. So someone threatening those mountains of cash by working behind their backs just would not do. Amazon went after them and everyone started to play ball except for one publisher: Hachette.

Hachette huffed and puffed and refused to drop its prices like everyone else. So Amazon decided to just stop pushing Hachette books. They figured that Hachette would fold and that everything would start coming up mountains of cash again. But Hachette had a plan, they had a nuclear option that Amazon didn’t think to contend with: authors who actually make enough money to buy the GOOD ramen.

Stephen-Colbert-enters-Amazon-Hachette-battle

So Amazon panicked and did something that most people can agree was pretty stupid, they tried to mobilize their Indie Authors from the Kindle Direct Publishing. I mean, they were just standing around in line at the soup kitchen anyway.

soup-2Bkitchen
“it’s a classic American novel, for $2.99”

So, seriously, WTF? Continue reading WTF? Amazon wants MY help?