As long time readers of this blog will know, we here at Walnut Dust (me, the dog, and the handful of you who are frequent readers) are not fans of Kim Kardashian. However, in a recent episode of South Park, a grave injustice was carried out against Ms. Kardashian which we, as supporters of Alters rights, cannot abide by.

Kim Kardashian is not a Hobbit, she is a Dwarf, and this mislabeling is simply racist.

The markers for being a Dwarf are fairly prevalent, the description given that she was shorter, stubbier, and more pear-shaped than she appeared to be in Photoshopped images was quite correct. But the distinct differences between Dwarves and Hobbits are enough that this label is an unfair assessment of both races which shall not pass. In an effort to set the record straight, I will now list the most profound reasons that Kim Kardashian could not be a Hobbit.

1. Hair Distribution

Dwarves are a hairy lot and often bearded. But female Dwarves are rarely identified because they do not normally grow beards and will often pass for typical humans. This means that a Dwarf woman could easily pass for human with the right hair removal regimen and a few fairly simple tricks involving modern conveniences.

However, Hobbits, while being smooth as a baby’s butt for most of their body, have one noticeable place other than their head where hair grows in plentiful fashion – the instep. While it’s true this can be resolved via shaving, the amount of hair growth present in that area is equivalent to the amount of growth seen by many beards. It would become difficult to hide the infamous “five o’clock shadow” for long periods of time, even with normal hair removal procedures in place. All of this becomes relevant when you realize that Kim Kardashian is often seen wearing shoes that leave this region uncovered.

While we have very little doubt that Kim Kardashian’s natural form has been modified over the years, all hair removal is likely from the torso (and possibly face) because any other would have been noticeable in these uncovered regions without a mountain of makeup. So this would indicate that her hair growth is not indicative of Hobbits but rather of the less hairy female Dwarves who are rarely identified in nature.

2. Work Ethic & Modesty

Hobbits are notoriously lazy. Though they are often presented in a delightful way, the fact of the matter is that there is little understanding of how the Hobbit economy functions since they spend most of their days smoking or eating. On the other hand, Dwarves are known to be quite the craftsman and become obsessed with completing tasks such as creating a fine sword or slaying a dragon for its gold.

Hobbits are also much more modest in their behavior than a Dwarf would be, as they want little recognition and usually want to be left alone. They like to have dinner guests but do not like to have strangers disturb the peace of their lives. They also dislike being removed from that comfort for the sake of outside events and rarely want to be the center of attention. In short, Hobbits are simple and modest in nature.

On the other hand, Kim Kardashian is a professional attention whore, which immediately puts her at odds with Hobbit-kind. But further study into it reveals that she works diligently at maintaining this position. Through various merchandise lines and brand labels, Kim is known for being one of the hardest working attention whores of all time.

Only to be worn by professionals

Because of this driving desire to be the center of attention, Kim also maintains her image with great dedication. Kim cannot partake in things such as “second breakfast” for fear of becoming too round for even Photoshop to handle. She also cannot smoke because it would cause wrinkles and skin discoloration. This means that, even if she were the least humble Hobbit of all time, she would also be in a constant state of misery from being unable to do what a Hobbit is naturally prone to do.

A Dwarf, however, can be as much of a glory hogging attention whore as it wants without much care. In fact, among Dwarf kind this is sometimes seen as a good trait.

3. Greed

Hobbits are well known for being incredibly difficult to corrupt with money or power. They have a very well known resistance to things that would normally drive other races to the point of madness and thus are the only ones that can be trusted with these things. This is the well-known trait which allows the other races to entrust a Hobbit with the task of destroying our precious. And while the hobbitses DESTROYED the preciousss they did not appreciates it likes the rest of us didsss… I mean, they resisted the corrupting power long enough to complete the task, aside from a few noteworthy examples.

“Fuck the Bagginses”

Dwarves, on the other hand, have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with gold that can be noticed when they become stressed. Certain key figures in their society have been known to lose their shit while considering the riches beneath certain mountains and will sometimes lose perspective as a result. This has led to many unhappy confrontations with large beasts that collect shiny objects throughout history.

Still better than a dragon

Ms. Kardashian, for her part, will do anything for money. This point is hardly up for debate.

4. Hobbits Are Extinct

This is a skull of Homo floresiensis, the Hobbit, an extinct member of the Homo genus native to the Indonesian archipelago. Sadly, all indications show that these noble people went extinct approximately 12,000 years ago. They lived in somewhat comfortable caves and grew to be approximately the height you would imagine a Hobbit to be. Though the Tolkien estate has tried to prevent association of their works with these people, this is likely due to the extinction being a telling mark against the authenticity of Tolkien’s work.

Though we are not entirely clear on the specific cause of the Hobbit extinction, we can assume it likely had something to do with their iconic behavior. Many human races needed to hunt, gather, or farm in order to survive and this is difficult to do while stoned and sitting in a hole.

While it is possible for patches of Hobbit-kind to exist today, it would be difficult to find them actively participating in human civilization as the same behavior which likely led to their extinction would also prevent them from doing much else. All indications show, if Kim were a Hobbit that somehow survived the extinction, she would likely be living in Jamaica, parts of Canada, or a college dorm.

Because of this, and the other pieces of evidence presented above, we here believe that Kim Kardashian cannot possibly be a Hobbit.

We got your back Kanye.

(Support the cause of Hobbit and Dwarf awareness, buy my books.)