Valentine’s Day is coming, the day of love, romance and feeling like someone would care if you were struck down by a freak accident. Someone will come to your funeral, you’re technically not dying alone. Or, hey, maybe you’re just out to get laid. That’s cool too.

But you’re not doing any of those things, are you? You’re reading this blog instead. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that as a part of my audience you’re a Sasquatch.

There’s nothing wrong with being a Sasquatch. But let’s be perfectly honest, it’s hard getting a date when you’re wandering the woods in your birthday suit. The only person respected for disappearing in the woods for weeks at a time with nothing to their name is Les Stroud.

So let’s see if we can figure out how to fix you up so you can have a date next Valentine’s.

The Hair

So let’s get this out of the way, as a Sasquatch, you’re hairier than Robin Williams’ first appearance on Jumanji if he were holding a pair of gorillas in headlocks as he stepped out of the game.

It’s a good look in the middle of the woods but you’re not exactly in the sticks anymore so you might want to make sure that people don’t think you’re doing your best Cousin It impression. This can be a lot of work though, any woman will tell you that getting rid of all of the hair on your body requires tricky and painful procedures not to be attempted by man, beast, or Steve Carell.

But there are methods that can be used for effectively removing hair without also removing your will to live. Among these methods are:

Shaving

Electrolysis

For many this would be considered “manscaping”, but that word doesn’t quite cover the level of scorched earth you’re going to undergo to tame the forest. In your case, we should probably consider it industrial logging.

But once you have that out of the way, it’s time for:

The Pedicure

You know as well as I do what they say about men with big feet: they tend to be nasty. You’ve been walking barefoot across twigs, dirt, rocks and things we don’t even want to mention. You haven’t really thought about it either, otherwise you would have worn shoes and no one would have found those big ass prints in the woods they keep trying to make a big deal out of. And, I know, you shouldn’t have to wear shoes to go on a walk and still be respectable in society, but they are the cultural norm and you have to admit your feet haven’t been taken good care of.

So it’s time to consider a pedicure. Yeah, I know, it seems pointless since I just told you to wear shoes too, but eventually the shoes have to come off and you don’t want them to see those toenails before someone’s had a chance to take an angle grinder to them.

First of all, put a day aside for this stuff. I know, you’re thinking this won’t really help you out right now, but this isn’t about this year since that ship has sailed. Besides, do you really think you could deforest yourself in time to pick someone up at a bar tonight? No, not happening.

Second, when you do, make sure that you’ve washed your feet at least once before dropping them in front of the small team of experts you’ve had to hire for this task. They’re used to dealing with feet, but what you have are big feet that have been soaking in the natural world for the last few decades. At least be a little considerate and remember to use soap.

Third, your feet may be ticklish. For the love of god, whatever you do, don’t kick anyone because that would be the last word on your social life for the rest of time.

The Clothes

So, by now, hairless and with tamed feet, you’re probably starting to notice some lingering looks fall your way. At first you may think it worked and that you’re now irresistible. But, sadly, it’s because you haven’t put on a pair of pants for the majority of your life and, for the first time ever, there isn’t a wilderness to cover your shame.

So, first, grab a bed sheet and follow these easy steps to assemble yourself a toga, so you won’t be arrested on the way to the clothing store.

Excellent. Now, take a trip to the nearest big and tall store, failing that, find a tailor with a lot of patience and a step ladder. If both of those happen to fail, I believe you may be able to pick up sewing and can find sufficient material from that tent you raided last week. However you manage it, remember neutral colors are your friend and a little splash of an active color like red, blue or so on will be eye catching. With the right color scheme, you’re sure to make an impression on everyone.

 And don’t forget to smile.

Not like that.

Etiquette

It’s unfortunately time for some tough love. You’ve been in the woods a long time and you haven’t really made a lot of contact with people before now. And, who could blame you? You haven’t exactly been photogenic in the last few years.

But this does unfortunately mean that your manners are, frankly, horrible.

First things first, we do not eat from the garbage. Yes, I know, some of it smells appetizing to someone who has been wandering the countryside eating anything that wouldn’t kill them. But those are the things we threw away and thus someone else didn’t want them first, so what does that say about you when you’re waist deep in refuse trying to pick up a quick meal?

That’s not what they mean by “shop locally”

Instead, put up the effort to eat healthy, sophisticated choices. Hell, in your state, it’d be a step up just to go to McDonalds with a shirt on. But it’s still a good idea to avoid dumpsters, trashcans or organic compost mounds.

Second, we use utensils here in the civilized world for most foods. They can get confusing, so just keep in mind that the one looking like the pitchfork waved at you the last time you approached people is used for solid food. Meanwhile, the one looking like a shovel is for something liquid or generally hard to get a good jab at. There are bigger and smaller variations, but honestly you’ve won if you don’t try to eat the plate.

And, finally, remember that where you sit and how you sit does matter in society. First of all, you’re a big guy and big guys have to remember weight restrictions, spacing and whether or not the chair they sat in makes them look funny. But, above all, you should make sure that when you do eventually sit to have a nice dinner with the lovely lady you’ve impressed with your striking animal magnetism that you do not end up doing this.

Now, please return the computer to the nice human, stop sitting on them and go out there and win yourself some affection!