Being a giant can be a rough, lonely experience. In a world simply not built for you, some things just have to be accepted. You’ll always have to purchase two seats on an airplane. No bicycle is meant to withstand your weight. Doorways will forever require you to duck before you can enter any room. There are ways around this, but for the most part you’re just going to have to get a lot of custom work done.
But that’s fine, in the modern world getting something custom made can be as easy as finding the right people to do something for you. If you have the will and the money, someone will have the way. But it’s not enough to simply run to Etsy, you’re going to want to get the best. More than anyone, you know that things in this world are not made to last, so how about things meant for someone like you?
Strange enough, they exist!
Living The High Life
Now, obviously, the first thing you’re going to want to do is become famous. Doing so will ensure that you can do just about anything you want, which used to be easy for someone of your size, but is becoming increasingly difficult in modern society. Once upon a time a person of your stature could simply raid a village, but now you have to get them to hand you money for your impressive size. Sideshows, wrestling programs, and basketball are all highly recommended.
However, once you are famous, you’re going to be an incredibly busy person. Busy people need to get around, especially those of you who choose to go into show-business or sports. So the first purchase you’re definitely going to want to look into would be…
An age old problem – how does someone up to three times the size of a regular human get around? Horses simply can’t cut it, though a whole team of them might be able to do the trick. But they’re expensive to keep and cost too much to feed. So instead, may we suggest this 2016 Jeep Wrangler.
At first you would be thinking that any SUV or truck would be more than enough and a specific Jeep seems like an unnecessary recommendation. And, with leg room and head room about the same as most, you would be right for most models which would quickly start to feel like a clown car to your behemoth frame. But this little beauty, sitting in the neighborhood of 24 grand, comes with a feature that few vehicles of its kind do: a multi-section removable hardtop roof.
Yes, where as most giants would have to shred the roof off with their bare hands while dumbfounded car salesmen watch on in horror, a low price of 24 thousand dollars will let you do it without scaring the villagers. And, when you wish to sell it off for a newer model, you can reattach the roof – a trick that does not exist in most situations. One drawback of this is that the windshield will not cover your face. Because of this, there is one form of accessory we feel you should buy immediately after.
However, it’s not simply enough to get where you’re going. Once you return home, you’re going to want a comfortable place to rest your head for the night. And, as you know, this isn’t easy without the right…
A good night’s sleep, often taken for granted by the average person. Despite the many sleep clinics and special mattresses offered today, few regular humans know what it’s like to have to bend in half to stay on the bed. But, of course, you know that feeling all too well as the largest conventional beds only get a little over 8 feet long. This generally means laying across multiple beds and hoping that your sheer weight won’t cause them to break in half or slide apart in the middle of the night – much like trying to sleep in a bus station or airport.
But luckily for you, there are alternatives if you know where to look. Take, for example, the humble runt of the giant litter Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq, as he is known by the little people, showed off his modest but comfortable looking bed on MTV Cribs a few years ago. This bed, measuring at 15’x30′ for a grand total of 450 square feet, was a prime example of proper giant interior decoration.
And how much did this lovely furniture cost him? Well, for Shaq it came with his house, a mansion which he purchased specifically for the fact it had that bed. But, if you were to try to get one for yourself and finally have a good night’s sleep you’ll only need to fork over a reported $12,000. A reasonable price, considering you’ll spend a third of your life in it and, as a giant, you may want to sleep on a bed that could give you the strange luxury of being able to toss and turn without falling through your floor.
And, while on the topic of furniture, you may also want to consider where you’re putting your ass…
The office chair, bane of humanity in some circles of the world. Designed with little in mind except low prices and the ability to not drive you insane as you spend 8 hours in a relatively tiny box they call a cubicle, the office chair is one of the chief reasons you don’t see more Giants working in most corporations (the other being a lack of sufficiently sized keyboards). But, of course, that was always going to be the case, as they weren’t really even meant to hold regular people.
Rated generally for people under 300 pounds to use maybe 7 hours a day, most office chairs may as well be a bundle of twigs as you sit on them. Even regular people who don’t have to duck as they enter a room can readily destroy these surprisingly flimsy pieces of furniture. Sure, a recliner may be able to do the trick at home if you get the right one, but few offices let you drag your lazy boy up to your desk.
As such, the only option is to go for something that was built for some real use. This can be hard to find, as many of these chairs have been designed with planned obsolescence in mind so that you’d have to buy a new one once every few months. But, fear not, because like with beds and vehicles, there’s no problem that can’t be fixed by throwing a lot of money at it. Take, for instance, this Ergonomic 24/7 Intensive Use Genuine Leather Stool from the fine folks at Concept Seating, listed price of $3,385 (but often offered at half off if you know where to look).
Constructed with 10 gauge steel and put under rigorous testing, these chairs offer you the opportunity to not have to sit on the floor. Rated for 24/7 use, a rare thing in many cases, this chair will survive the majority of people for years at a time. But, as good news for you, it was also rated to hold 550 pounds, a remarkable number that gives you the chance to keep a chair for longer than it takes for the seasons to change. Hell, this is even highly recommended for anyone who happens to work 40 hours a week, as few chairs are event meant for that!
But, once you’ve made it comfortable for you to sit and lay down, there’s still one position you’re just not ready for, standing!
Ah, shoes, one of the hardest things to find for someone like you. Being a Giant already requires a lot of walking, without that Jeep from before, so you’re going to want to make sure walking is at least comfortable. Unfortunately, most shoe companies just don’t make shoes over a certain size. Our friend Shaq, sitting at size 23, gets his custom made because he’s a star athlete and it’s good advertising. But you? You’re going to need to pay someone for a custom job.
But, fear not, there are companies out there who are willing to do it. Take the case of Igor Vovkovinskiy, the tallest human in America, who needed shoes somewhere between size 22 and 26. Igor, standing at 7’8″, spent much of his time wearing shoes that were ill fitting or ready to come apart. This resulted in severe problems with his feet, requiring 16 surgeries over the course of 6 years. But to Igor’s aid came the good folks at Reebok, who donated shoes to him clocking in at somewhere to the tune of $20,000.
Now, some of you Giants out there may be a bit discouraged. After all, these all sound like big dollar figures. But the thing to keep in mind is that living well as a Giant means throwing your weight around and dominating the landscape. Sure, the world isn’t really meant for someone like you, but that also means…
It’s not prepared for you either.
(I write novels. They’re meant for people of all shapes and sizes, and unlike the rest of this, only come in at $2.99 in ebook format. Meanwhile, you can get my comparatively tiny tweets totally for free.)