It’s late at night, you’ve had a rough day, the neighbors keep giving you crap and you just need to forget your problems. You do what you can to try to block out the rest of the world, but something serious happens. You’ve got the midnight munchies.
What can you possibly do? If you went out to eat what you want you’d probably have the cops on your ass. Surely, there has to be alternatives.
Hotdogs
The hotdog: man’s real best friend. Made of processed meats of various origins compressed into an indistinguishable mass of who knows what, the hot dog is quite possibly the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever devised by man. It’s also one of the easiest things to get in mass quantities in the US without funny looks (besides bullets)
Pros
– Easy to obtain: hotdogs are everywhere in mass quantities and no one has any problems with you getting huge numbers at once, they’ll assume it’s for a BBQ
– Lots of variety in things you can put on them, mustard, ketchup, relish, chili (extra meat!)
– Leftovers can be cut up into other, less meaty foods
Cons
– Buns don’t come in equal numbers
– Little more unusual away from major holidays
– You have no idea what’s actually in it
Liver
Liver and onions, liverwurst, chopped liver: there’s almost no end to the stuff that you can do with this piece of meat that almost no one really wants. Some people like it, but chances are, if you’re in the market, they’ll have plenty left that no one touched.
Pros
– Easy to get in large quantities, just drop by the market
– Lots of ways you can go about preparing it
– Nutritious: High in iron and Vitamin A
Con
– Hard to think of what to do with it
– Nutritious
– Liver? Really? Who likes liver?
– You can overdose on Vitamin A, thus, you can overdose on liver
Haggis
Haggis, further exemplifying the Scottish philosophy of “fuck it all”, is the stuffing of the sheep’s “pluck” (read: everything) into its stomach. Though this likely started when a pissed off Scot force fed a sheep its own organs, this has since been done after the animal was dead. They still eat it though… and you can too!
Pros
– Filling: at least one stomach was full from this meal
– Efficient: no part of this animal went to waste
– Fulfills some deeper needs
Cons
– Heavy prep time, after all, you have to gut the animal and then reassemble it
– Crime against nature
– You may need to buy livestock to get all the necessary parts in some countries
Rocky Mountain Oysters
Infamous, legendary objects of all that is disgusting about folklore, much like yourself. Rocky Mountain Oysters truly define which part of the pig people do not want to eat. Tiny nuggets of meat popped in your mouth like donut holes made of pork. Just don’t think too hard about what they are.
Pros
– Snackable: can be served in a bowl and eaten in front of the TV
– Quick to prepare
– Could be eaten with a dipping sauce
– May work well with leftover hotdogs
Cons
– Can’t stop with just one, you may be eating them for a while
– You know exactly what part of the pig they came from
– Likely wont make you popular with friends who eat them unknowingly
But let’s face it, sometimes, you just want some brains. It’s natural, zombies being what they are. You try to deny the urge but sometimes you admit that even if you haven’t tried it you find yourself a little curious. Longing for a little taste, you watch your friends and thump on their skulls from time to time like a watermelon. It’s a matter of time before you lose it. Surely there has to be an alternative…
Chilled Monkey Brains
Okay, I admit I cheated on this picture. But does anyone (aside from the target audience) really want to see it? No, not at all. So let’s carry on!
Pros
– Damnit, as a zombie, this is what you’ve been craving for weeks, months even
– It’s surprisingly high in nutritional value
– Nice frozen dessert to go with just about anything else
– Brrraaaaaiiinsssss
Cons
– You may have a problem eating it in public
– It may be hard to shop for them, given your condition
– If someone catches you doing it, two words: head shot
Because cravings are a bitch.
By the way, if you happen to like this entry and want to help feed another zombie one of these appetizing alternatives to the screaming munchies: Buy my books.
