WTF Wednesdays: Another Book Deal For The Kardashians?

Haha, the news media is talking about there being a new novel from the “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” brood. Stupid media, they did that years ago, polishing up their lives with “interesting” bits and releasing it as a novel called Dollhouse. Yet you guys are acting like it just happened. We all know the Kardashians haven’t gone back to reading and writing since disagreeing with the dietary advice they got from “Green Eggs And Ham“. Man you guys are slo-

Oh crap, there’s more of them?

Who the hell is that? Jenner? What the hell is a Jenner?! And what do you mean they have a publishing deal for a book that releases next year? They look like they’re still in high-school!

Apparently, if you’re in that bloodline it doesn’t matter if your manuscript is written in crayon. Though it wouldn’t be the first time a member of the family managed to make a lot of money with only a 9thgrade reading level.

So WTF is up with…

Celebrity Book Deals?

Anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that I loathe celebrity book deals. It’s not that I’m jealous (though who wouldn’t be jealous of a 6 to 7 figure book deal in today’s climate?) but rather because I think they are damaging the cause of literacy and good taste.

For any industry there’s this thing called a barrier of entry. It’s this wall that prevents just anyone from being able to do the thing the industry does. This wall has to be scaled through talent, training and sheer determination. You cannot be a surgeon without going to medical school, a mechanic without understanding the inner workings of a car, or a runway model without understanding how to turn left.

Which is why the Jenner girls use the buddy system.

But in the case of celebrity publishing deals, none of these ever apply. The fact their name sells the book means the book itself doesn’t have to be good, original or even readable. And while most legitimate authors have to come out with something astonishing to be able to see even 5 figures on their advance check, celebrities tend to fall into one of three categories because they have no reason to strive for anything else: ghostwritten fluff pieces, memoirs or underdeveloped pieces of crap.

Though, the older Kardashian sisters decided to go for the hat-trick and went with doing all three.

The problem I have with celebrity ghostwriters is that some poor writer is doing all the work but the celebrity that slapped their name on the thing is getting the bulk of the profits. Picture you’ve written a best seller that happened to make several million dollars and you were paid roughly the amount that you would have made just working a desk job that entire time.

“At least I still have my dignity”

Now, for the writer that sounds like a pretty good deal (I became tempted to try ghostwriting while just describing it), but it sounds like an even better deal for the asshole who gets to put their name on it. Realize this: a celebrity may make millions of dollars for literally doing nothing. And do you really think the poor soul that wrote Dollhouse got into writing for the sake of describing a Kardashian expy having sex with their stepbrother? Oh hell no.

Though maybe I’m looking at this wrong. We never did find out if the novel was ghostwritten by someone outside of the family. I’ve heard in the reviews that it tends to read like the romanticized version of a trashy romance novel combined with the lives of the Kardashian sisters. Maybe the older sisters saw their 14 and 12 year old younger sisters and said, “oh, hey, we don’t care if it reads like the work of pre-teen girls, so you should write it!”

But that would be overly optimistic because it would mean that someone in the family actually created something in their lives. Frankly, that’s not something they’ve had to do since Kim literally sucked them out of semi-obscurity while her mother acted as her pimp.They haven’t had to do anything of interest in years except market themselves and pretending to be interesting.

And, of course, trying to look interesting brings us to memoirs. These self-congratulatory, often censored and rarely interesting works basically sell the idea that the lives of someone you’ve heard of are more interesting than your own. The grave truth is that if any of the things the reality stars have ever done was really interesting they wouldn’t need to stage shit happening on their so-called “reality” shows. The same goes for any of the shallow and vapid celebrity personalities who don’t actually do anything to earn their fame.

Even the Count has done more to better society and he’s a piece of felt.

But that leaves us with badly written pieces of crap. Now maybe I’m being unfairly harsh to the Jenner sisters due to the ridiculous K names that reflect the mental instability of their mother. However, I’m not exactly hopeful when I see that a pair of girls who haven’t even had time to learn basic Science are trying to write Science Fiction. Oh, right, I forgot to mention that part: they’re writing a DYSTOPIAN science fiction novel. Which is pretty apt because I know I feel like I live in a world without hope whenever I consider a member of that family having a best-seller in Science Fiction.

As described on the Amazon page for their book, this is “Rebels: City of Indra”:

“Kendall and Kylie Jenner, stars on the hit reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, present their debut novel—a thrilling dystopian story about two super-powered girls who embark on a journey together, not knowing they’re twins. 

Two cities… Two girls… A shared destiny…

In a world of the far future, the great city of Indra has two faces: a beautiful paradise floating high in the sky, and a nightmare world of poverty carved into tunnels beneath the surface of the earth. Kendall and Kylie Jenner, the youngest sisters in the Kardashian dynasty, have written a gripping tale of air, fire, and a bond of blood”

You’ll notice that their story is sandwiched between two name drops to point out that they’re famous and thus you should give a shit. But in the middle where the “meat” is you’ll see that it’s essentially the plot of a Final Fantasy game. Hell, it’s actually pretty damn similar to the plot of the Final Fantasy game based around the director’s uncomfortable obsession with his digital love interest and her sister.

And most of what they do involves modeling too!

Still, maybe I’m misreading it and these girls really want to be writers on their own merits. So I take a look down at their “about the author” section on the same page and got:

About the Author

Kendall Jenner is the younger sister of Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian. Following in her sisters’ footsteps, Kendall is an aspiring model who has appeared in the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week and Teen Vogue.

Kylie Jenner is the youngest sister of Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian. Kylie is pursuing a modeling career and has appeared in Teen Vogue and Paper Magazine, along with her sister, Kendall.

Huh, nope. I guess the only reason they’ve gone into writing is because Kylie is 16 so their original plan for a sister project won’t pan out for two more years. And I’m sure someone out there thinks that I’m being misogynistic for hating on their success but nothing being done here is good for women, books or the human race. These girls got a publishing deal because they’re pretty and their names start with a K like almost everyone else unfortunately named by this family.

That’s the look of a child that realizes her name could have been “Knorth”

But, in the end, I apologize to Kendall and Kylie. They’re young and they’re just trying to do their own thing. It’s not their fault the publishing industry has devolved into an undisciplined cash grab relying more on name recognition than common sense. Maybe they’ve even put some real, legitimate, honest effort into the work so they can try to prove to the world that they’re more than just their looks and their family. I respect anyone who puts themselves out there in an honest attempt to add to the culture.

Their age, on top of their celebrity, is a problem for me because I know that it means they aren’t really ready to enter the domain they’ve stepped into and no one has told them that. Studies have shown 10,000 hours of practice is required for anyone to become good at something they do. Maybe they have put in 10,000 hours and they aren’t trying to cash in on their family and their appearance. Maybe this entire deal is legitimate and they have a sincere interest in joining the literary world. I just have a really hard time believing that they could come to that conclusion when these are their role models.

Because, seriously, what the fuck?
(I ACTUALLY write books and my nephew’s name is Kris with a K so I apparently have one of the qualifications of a bestseller. Give me a look.)