Golems, nature’s most huggable landslides. Often upstanding members of the community, these gentle rock hard giants give new meaning to the description “cut like granite”. But with their stony exterior comes a severe problem. As the summer sun comes around and it’s time for everyone to show off their beach body, you’re left wondering if you can really be presentable. Dry, scaly skin is one thing, but skin with the same texture as the beach you’re standing on just might be too much.

After all, in today’s climate you just can’t risk looking natural. In the age of spray-on tans, wrinkle creams directed at 20 somethings, and cosmetic procedures designed to make you look like a doll – flaws are unacceptable. Once upon a time it was unusual to look like a Barbie doll, but now people are paying for it. And, let’s be honest, you never thought you’d live to see the day where people could honestly have a debate on whether or not someone got butt implants.

So let’s go ahead and attack that nasty skin problem of yours, shall we? And remember, only do some of these if you’re a Golem because they would just be stupid otherwise.

A Diamond In The Rough

As a Golem, you have a couple benefits most people don’t. First, you don’t wrinkle, you harden and crack. This means you can, theoretically, look eternally young if you just learn to polish that stone. Second, you’re in fantastic shape from the fact your muscles are almost always tense and having to carry the weight of several inches of thick skin. As such, with work, you could make yourself truly statuesque.

But let’s not rest on our laurels here. You have thick, calloused skin patches all over your body and much of that will begin to crack and turn unpleasant colors. Makeup alone is not enough, you will need to go to extreme measures of the likes not seen anywhere but perhaps the vanity soaked streets of Hollywood. For none have known true beauty until they’ve injected dangerous toxins into their face.

So first, let us begin with the most simple of steps…

Moisturize

As a Golem, we know you have used Olive Oil for most of your life as a natural, gentle moisturizer which is also Kosher. It’s good to keep the skin moist, especially as the weather changes, because dry Golem skin can be uncomfortable and unpleasant. But have you really done enough?

We understand that affordability can be an issue for some of the best moisturizing agents out there. While the natural fish oils and vitamins found in Caviar are an excellent method of moisturizing and treating the skin, recommended by the likes of Angelina Jolie, it can also run $2200. Now, if you can afford it, the act of slathering yourself in fish eggs and rolling around in them is more than worth the money. After all, would anyone do something like that if it didn’t work? But, of course, that’s probably an option that is a bit beyond your price range, we imagine.

Instead, the slightly more economical but still recommended method is bird poop. Specifically the powdered fecal matter of nightingales. This is supposed to promote your skin’s natural moisturizing factor, which makes your skin soft and beautiful. For the low price of $180, you can even have it smeared on your face by a skilled professional.

But it’s not just enough to soften the skin, now that it’s nice and moist it’s time for you to…

Exfoliate

Peel that skin right off. Yes, through a nice harsh scrubbing you should be able to remove the excess skin. Like sanding a piece of wood you can make yourself smooth as a baby’s butt with a good harsh scrubbing. This generally requires the use of sands, ash, and other rough materials which can be rubbed on your face. But more than that, why not just grab a good chunk of Pumice?

What’s pumice you ask? Pumice is a piece of volcanic rock that’s jagged and rough like a piece of natural rock hard sand-paper. Just scrub it against your skin to get rid of all the rough edges and maybe even the top layer all together. Some would call it painful, but certainly it is not the worst thing someone has ever done in search of beauty.

If scrubbing sounds like too much effort, why not look into getting some doctor fish and a nice large tub? The doctor fish, also known as a nibble fish, is a breed of small fish about the size of a minnow which will eat away dead skin as it nibbles away at you. Though most people use them simply for pedicures, you could likely get them to nibble off dead skin from just about anywhere on the body if you’re brave enough. They have no teeth, and the procedure is gentle enough if you’re willing to ignore the fact they’re basically eating you.

However, being an extreme case, you may want to consider going all the way and just buying a power sander. A fine grain paper would be more than capable of scouring away all those rough edges and would give you the same sort of luxurious finish that you can see on fine furniture. Yes, with effort, you too can have the same sort of finish as a nice oak chair in your local furniture showroom.

But before you go trying to convince people to sit on your face, there’s one last thing to be handled…

After Care

Now by now you should be absolutely stunning. A natural glow should have come across your skin – both from the light bleeding and the fact your current skin has only been exposed to air for the last few minutes. It’s going to hurt, which will help you tremendously with the resting bitch face that makes you look fierce for all of your photo ops.

But perhaps your pursuit of beauty has gone a little too far. Maybe you’re wondering when your skin is going to heal. Some of you may even be asking: “Do normal people really do these things?” Well, yes, of course they do, even when it’s not actually recommended! So you should suck it up and take time to pamper yourself. People have paid a great deal of money to have some of these things done to them, and they all know that the next step is to drink plenty of liquor and soak in a warm bath.

Yes, the water may be turning red and your skin may be a bit sensitive but the alcohol will make all your woes go away. And hey, if you chose to do this all in a spa, maybe you can amuse yourself with the screams of the man in the next room – our friend the Sasquatch.

He too is going to look fabulous.

(I write novels and cynical tweets. Sadly, I’ve found proof of someone trying all of these. Yes, even the sander. Dear god, please don’t do the sander thing.)