Five Easy Steps To Avoid Becoming An Evil Prick

It’s a brand new millennium and you’re at the start of the journey we call life. You’re vital, unattached, vibrant and ready to take on the world or at least find your place in it. You’re the strongest you’ll ever be and there’s nothing in this world that can stop you.

But there’s a lot going on in the world and society has become so interconnected that it’s easy to get led astray. Sometimes this means that you’re going to be tempted to do things that would be considered “unclean”, “unwise” or just down-right “evil”.

This is perfectly okay, everyone experiences it. But in your case, with the way you are, it could be a little unfortunate if you happened to lose your shit and go wild. There’s historical record of what happens when people with your sort of advantages start to lose perspective.

So as a helpful piece of advice, here are some steps to save your sanity in these trying times.

Avoid Temptation

A lot of things have been called sinful in the past that have become relatively accepted in the modern day. You wouldn’t condemn someone for having an extra large meal or taking part in extramarital affairs. Sometimes, it’s okay to take pleasure in the simple things and just wolf down a hamburger.

But this is the sort of thinking that can get the better of people like you. If you were to consider eating a hamburger, this wouldn’t be such a problem. But if you were to consider eating all of the hamburgers, this could be a grave mistake on your part. With no real reason not to eat everything that’s sitting in front of you, it would only be a matter of time before you would begin to eat everything in front of you. While this is generally not healthy, the worst part is that it can lead to severe disorders and an emptiness that cannot be filled by hotdogs.

No matter how hard you try

And this is not something that just happens in regards to something as harmless as food. Were you to be in a country where prostitution was legal, it would be considered okay to take part in their services. But this is something that can easily get out of hand. Unfortunately you’d find that with prostitutes, like Pringles, once you pop, you can’t stop. The inevitable conclusion is that you would start to collect these women like you would any other hobby. Before you knew it, you would be wearing a feathered hat and driving a pink Cadillac.

And “classier” cars will require you to wear a cape
This is a career path that just isn’t meant for someone like you. In fact, you should…


Avoid Working In Customer Service Altogether

It’s occurred to a lot of people like you. “I’m a people person,” you’ve likely said to yourself. “I could be really good at a job where I have to deal with people all the time.”

You would be wrong.

This misguided notion has led a lot of people into the customer service and hospitality industry thinking that they could be comfortable in these jobs while helping people. They’ve often entered with the notion that making people happy or meeting their needs will be a rewarding experience where they will feel like they’ve improved someone’s day, even just a little.

But what none of them has ever realized is that, when you enter customer service, “people” and “customers” are two completely different things. People are, despite being panicky animals, still mostly decent at their core. Customers, on the other hand, have been informed that they’re always right and intend to take full advantage of this.

The statistic of people working in coffee shops who have wanted to make their customer’s heads explode at least once is shocking. The saving grace for society as a whole, especially with the rampant spread of Starbucks and other fine establishments, is that they are incapable of actually making this happen.

Still, just avoiding certain occupations isn’t enough, because you also have to consider the weekend and…

Avoiding Sunday Activities

You’ve been told it’s a good thing to take part in some socializing, so you decide to take people up on their offer to join them in their typical Sunday routine. Going to a place you’ve rarely stepped inside of, you found yourself surrounded by the faithful followers and the true believers who sit with quiet murmuring as they wait for the activities to begin. Everyone’s dressed roughly the same, though a few are far more fanatical than the others as you pass them by to find an open seat. As you settle in, you notice everyone’s pondering just what the man in charge of this gathering is going to say or do that day.

It’s a question that racks their minds and, soon, once you’ve been indoctrinated into it, you too will start to ponder every single thing that is being done there. Do you agree with it? Do you disagree with it? You may not know right away but one thing is for certain: you will feel very passionately about it. Before long it becomes something you have to do, everyday, you become part of the mob mentality and you get swept up in the fanatical nature of what’s going on around you. People are speaking in tongues and screaming at the top of their lungs for reasons that you used to be unable to understand but now just feel deep in your core like a driving instinct you can’t fight. And once the dust has settled and you’ve been with them long enough, before you even realize it, you look like this:

And this is why we do not take part in watching major sporting events. Time and time again these people have run rampant through the streets to either celebrate or protest the result of a game. They’ve been plastered across the news, repeatedly, doing things that we’ve already discussed are not good for you.

Truthfully, it’s probably a good idea for you to look the other way even when they appear on the news, in fact…

Don’t Pay Attention To The News

If you watch the news now, you understand why this would be a problem. If you don’t pay attention to the news, don’t start. It’s one of the most depressing and infuriating things that you could possibly imagine. Every day, every night, people who report on things have the unenviable task of having to proverbially kick a puppy in front of the world. This leaves the people who are actually paying attention either incredibly sad or incredibly angry. Eventually, this is the sort of thing that inspires someone to violent rampages.

This isn’t just regarding the serious news of the day either. How many people do you think contemplate going to smash things with a baseball bat when they hear celebrity gossip such as whether or not Kim Kardashian has recovered from her baby bump? How about the debate over whether or not Miley Cyrus should have done this?

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling like destroying something right now. So why should you risk it? It’s even worse when you get the news websites that try to spin it for entertainment while bombarding you with banner ads and a comment section that wants you to organize into mobs via social media over these stories.

Actually, you know what?

Stay Off The Internet

This part probably seems moot to you by now. Obviously, you have to be using it to even be able to read this right now. But if you still hold your sanity then clearly you have a chance to walk away before it gets any worse. The cold, hard truth is: the internet will devour your soul if you let it.

“Oh, I’m well adjusted,” you say, “I’ve been using the internet safely for a while now and I’ve found a lot of great pictures of cats there. Look at this one! It speaks to me.”

Yeah, well, keep this in mind: the internet is the place where you can find the news, mob mentality, customer privilege and temptation all on the same page. It is the deep, dark recesses that represent the abyss of human nature to which you are not to stare into. You may not have blinked while staring down that dark hole of depravity but you will one day. And if you think any of this is exaggeration then you clearly haven’t been to 4chan.

So for the good of yourself and the good of humanity itself, please get off the internet as soon as possible. Do it before it can do any lasting harm.

In fact, turn it off right now.

(Though, if you’re still online, please take a moment to buy my books, available at all major online book retailers for the period of time you’re still connected. You’ll get bored eventually, after all.)

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