Putting To Rest Old Rivalries

Times are hard, we’ve all seen it and we’ve all experienced it. Bad things happen to good people and that can leave some pretty heavy rifts in family. Sometimes you might find yourself at odds with a cousin, an uncle, maybe your own mother. But these are things that are thinner than blood, these are things that should be something you can get over. Maybe it’s easier said than done, but there shouldn’t be impossible to cross chasms in relationships born out of a mutual origin.

Let’s face it guys, it’s time to mend the broken fences. It’s time to come to terms over the past mistakes and move on with all of our lives. It’s time to…

Make Peace Between Naga And Garuda

Admit it you guys, this is all pretty childish. Neither one of you are exactly well liked in the animal kingdom and you’ve been fighting it out for centuries now. Even cats are considered more cuddly and peaceful than you and we all know that cats are really soulless killing machines with a god complex and an almost utter disdain for humanity.

But do you see the cats fighting it out on the national flag of a country currently run by drug cartels? No, no you don’t. Who’s on that flag?

And the fact of the matter is that the country did that because the people that originally owned the land followed some prophecy that they should build their great city in a place where they found you guys duking it out. And you know where they found you guys fighting? On a god damn lake. You two are such dicks to each other that you fight even where there isn’t any ground. Hell, even the artwork points out you’re basically willing to go at it just about anywhere.

So let’s just try to come to terms with each other and follow some pretty sound advice on how to get past your shit. All right?

Both of you made mistakes

So, let’s get it out of the way, you two did some pretty horrible shit to each other and you both need to get past it. First of all, Naga?

It was a dick move to put Garuda’s mother into a life of slavery and have Garuda work off her debt for you. Yes, your mother technically did it to his mother and all of that, but you were definitely not making things any better by joining in the conspiracy and making things harder on your cousin. You started shit and didn’t do anything to stop it or make it right, so holding a grudge against the bird for having a grudge with you doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Okay, now, Garuda?

You need to stop violently murdering everything you set your eyes on. You have major anger management issues and you’ve been holding onto shit way too long. You attacked gods for god’s sake! Sure, they employed you, but the employment was based mostly on you being a feathered version of Liam Neeson’s character from Taken.

And, look, this has to be said: your mother did it to herself. She has had problems with her lack of foresight and a gambling addiction that bit her in the ass when she wagered with someone who outsmarted her. She dragged you into it and made it your problem when it should have been her problem and her problem alone. I understand, you have to defend your mother, but you have to also sometimes protect her from herself and that requires blaming her for the things she’s done wrong. So you’ve been a royal asshole to your cousins for all the wrong reasons.

There, there, it’s okay. But both of you need to let the past be the past and move on because…

Both of you  have issues

This feud has been rooted in a petty vendetta that started so long ago no one’s sure exactly what calendar best used to track it. You both have some tremendous issues that need to be worked out and you haven’t addressed any of them. For instance, the Naga race has more or less been ruined by a frat mentality that dominated them ages ago.
Only stopped by the unfortunate hazing incident a few years ago.

Consider for a minute just what exactly you’re all most famous for. You torment all living creatures, you’ve actually tricked people into being your slave labor and you tried to get your cousin to steal something to settle a debt. What good deeds your people -are- known for have basically been extremely elaborate bar bets like “I can balance the world on my head”. And frankly, the day you realized you could dislocate your face to swallow anything whole was not something to be proud of, since the only places you could use that talent are Bangkok and places associated with Nathan’s Hotdogs.

And your insecurity is so severe that you’ve gone out of your way to dislocate your own ribcage to look intimidating to people. That’s not dedication, that’s a medical condition and the only people running from you are the ones afraid it might be contagious.

And you, Mr. Garuda, you’re the worst kind of aggressive douchebag: gullible. When your mother got herself in over her head and the family decided to tell you that you were responsible for getting her out of it, you were the idiot who actually agreed to do it. And when you fought the gods to steal from them, only to eventually take a job offer from them – they were trying to stop you from wrecking their shit. You were not hired for your personal skills, you were hired because they realized you were easily manipulated and gifted in fucking things up, like a Mafioso or a Pro-Wrestler.

And don’t you think we didn’t notice you try.

So it’s clear both the Garuda and the Naga aren’t the most level headed creatures on this Earth, which is the first point of the real big picture…

You both have bigger problems on your hands

This has gone for a long time and the truth is, both of you have been suffering for it and taking losses from outside forces as well. The Naga have had a long standing relationship with snakes, and you have to realize that snakes have been under fire by humanity for a very long time. Even some of our turns of phrase are based on the idea of beheading your brethren. “Cut off the head of the snake” is a term for taking down a large, powerful, usually evil entity.  Sorry to say it, but that’s you.
And you don’t want to know what they do next.

And Garuda, you’re close to the eagles right? Have you seen what we’ve done to the eagles? First we were sticking them on flags left and right, then we were shooting them out of the air, let’s not even talk about the pesticides that ended up fucking up their eggs. But you want to know the real indignity? This.

So should you really be spending all of your time fighting? It seems you have bigger things to worry about than making life harder for each other. What you really need to do is find some middle ground, meet each other on some common goals and try to put it all to rest. After all, imagine how much better things could be if you weren’t so embroiled in violently attacking your enemies.

Hey…what are you doing there, Naga?

Holy crap, wait, wait, stop! Garuda, give me a ha-


Okay… I regret this talk.
(I write books, thankfully not self help. I’m so sorry about your children.)

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