Some months ago, a group of people several thousand strong gathered together and began to play a game of Pokemon in the most inefficient way possible: by all playing the same game at once. Twitch Plays Pokemon was a thing for a while as the group did their damn best to control a child who they’d decided had a schizophrenic mental episode and was following the commands of every voice in his head. But along the way, one thing to come out of it was a religious satire in the nature of “Lord Helix” the helix fossil they frequently went to for advice, and his only begotten Pidgeot, Abba, the Bird Jesus, who followed the philosophy of “do unto others” over and over through literal interpretation by reflecting attacks right back at his enemies.
But this was not the first bird variation of Jesus to roam the internet. For the first, you’d have to go to the time when the internet discovered the ancient legends of Horus, a child born to a (technical) virgin mother and had to be hidden away from the king of the land to prevent his death. He wandered the desert, undertook great tests and became the king of kings, the savior of Egypt.
Only the truth is, Jesus’ story is a straightforward affair with few twists and turns: he was born of a virgin, had miraculous powers and was eventually betrayed. Horus’ story is a bit more… insane. And because of that, I intend to recount:
The Life And Times Of Horus
It all began with Atum, the god of creation who rose from the primordial waters as the only being in existence. Atum, being the only being in existence, was a bit lonely and is said to have spent his days like most lonely males – producing creation by hand. From this act came his children Shu and Tefnut. Though these two were siblings, they saw what their father did with his time and decided that one couldn’t be choosey when only three beings existed in the universe, so they had a pair of children by the names of Geb and Nut, the Earth and the Heavens. Family tradition continued as Geb was dazzled with Nut’s starry clothes like sequins on Vegas showgirl until eventually he decided to show her what he could do with his snake head. But, to be a combo-breaker, they decided to have four kids instead.
|Positions were invented
As anyone who’s ever had more than two children can tell you: that was a mistake.
The first of these children was Osiris who, as an only child for a bit, became something of a favorite of his parents since he could do no wrong. Following him soon after were Isis, the beautiful goddess of love and Osiris’ eventual wife, Seth, the ugly god of chaos and being a semi-perpetual dick, and Nephthys, the youngest daughter who decided to rebel and become the universe’s first goth. Of course all of that was moot at the time because Osiris was beloved by everyone in this world and the next, making him the king of not only the world of the light and the living but everything else too, beating Mufasa’s record by one whole world.
Unfortunately for Osiris, like Mufasa, one being in the universe wasn’t so keen on him – his dick of a brother. Seth became extraordinarily jealous of his older brother as no one in the universe was too fond of Seth, likely because he looked like an animal that no one could identify to this day and because, as we are about to learn, he was a raging dick. Though he could have tried to work this out and talk to everyone, Seth’s natural instinct was to turn himself into a rabid animal and tear his brother to literal pieces, scattering them throughout Egypt (though not before feeding his brother’s penis to a catfish). Having murdered his brother and scattered him like confetti, Seth ascended to the throne.
However, Isis, knowing that her brother was a dick (mostly due to the fact he just shredded his brother to pieces) was not so keen on the idea that he was going to rule the known world(s). Deciding to take matters into her own hands, Isis went about assembling her dead husband like a morbid jigsaw puzzle so she could breathe life into his corpse and use him to father a new heir to the throne. Just one problem… the catfish ate little Osiris.
But Isis, being the goddess of love and looking to help a brother out, went above and beyond the call of duty and crafted Osiris’ new junk out of gold. Pleased with what she had created, Isis went about resurrecting her husband and using him for zombie sex games until she could conceive. Osiris was grateful for many things including the resurrection, the sex and the fact he now had a golden crotch. Declaring her the best wife ever, he passed onto the underworld where he ruled the other recently deceased and reveled in the fact that his member was literally of divine creation. His nephew, Anubis, son of Nephthys, likely spends every waking moment wishing he didn’t have to hear about this at work.
|“Did I ever tell you-” “Golden Phallus”
Isis, having achieved an impressive couple feats, knew that her work wasn’t done yet. Seth was bound to find out about the pregnancy and be more than a little inclined to murder the kid before he could challenge the throne. So Isis took it upon herself to travel down the Nile to the marshes of the Nile Delta where she could hide and have her son in relative safety. And Horus, after a fairly interesting sequence of events, had to be even more interesting by being born with the head of a bird of prey.
Horus emerged from the marshlands and went to confront his uncle to reclaim his father’s throne. Seth, not wanting to give it up, challenged Horus to take part in challenges to see who should be the rightful king, as judged by the other gods. Some of the gods were not thrilled with the idea of Horus taking over, thinking that Seth, despite his deeds, was still closer to the lineage than the new kid, and because of this the challenges did not go “quickly” by any measure. Horus was stronger and more capable than his uncle, especially in terms of intellect. And, though Seth was a vicious asshole, he often could not manage to stop the young upstart bird. So began an endless struggle between an asshole with a long snout and a smartass bird in the desert, one which would be remembered for all time.
But as time wore on, Seth’s natural dick behavior became more difficult to suppress, eventually resulting in Seth assaulting Horus and ripping his eye out. And, like his father’s body, Seth shredded Horus’ eye into little pieces. How Horus got the eye back depends on the telling, but what is known is that Isis did not appreciate Seth’s dirty tactics and decided that her son needed a hand.
Deciding to set a trap for Seth, one telling says that Isis followed the gods to their deliberations on who may rule Egypt and while Ra (because he’s everywhere) was talking to the other gods, Isis turned herself into a beautiful maiden and seduced Seth into admitting that his crimes were unforgivable. Alternatively, the trap she laid is sometimes said to have been a physical snare. But what is known is that Isis allowed Seth to survive based on the idea she managed to humiliate him in the eyes of the court.
Horus, having just lost an eye and spent nearly a century fighting this guy, was not too happy. Though his mother had helped the cause, she’d also allowed Seth to just walk away and this meant that the feud, regardless of the benefit she provided, was about to continue. And, unfortunately for Horus, this was all too true as Seth, having been humiliated, decided the only way to prove his dominance once and for all was to physically dominate Horus…sexually.
Horus intercepted this and managed to catch his uncle by the crotch region, a place that you want no bird of prey to be holding onto. And, as any good falcon would, he tore the testicles off his uncle like plucking grapes from a vine. Seth, having just invented the concept of the castrato soprano, then witnessed the testes being thrown into the same river he’d thrown his brother’s penis into oh so long ago. The circle was complete.
Having witnessed the outright domination of Horus over his uncle, the gods were then prepared to grant him the throne that he’d been fighting so very long (at least a century) to take. However, as Seth protested and laid one last challenge, the gods were inclined to grant Seth a final chance in light of the fact they’d watched Horus berate his mother over her mercy. Seth, having his final chance, decided to challenge the younger god to a challenge that couldn’t possibly be won: race the river Nile on a boat made of stone.
Horus accepted the challenge, having no other choice, but knew a way to get around his uncle’s ridiculous challenge. As Seth cut off the top of a mountain and rode it down the Nile, quickly sinking in the process, Horus set sail in a boat made of wood and covered in a limestone plaster – appearing to be stone but really only painted as such. Seth witnessed this from the water as Horus managed to make his seemingly stone boat float and, in yet another dick move, turned into a Hippo and destroyed Horus’ boat to make sure he couldn’t win either.
The gods finally had enough and decided the challenges could never be appeased, mostly because Seth was never going to quit while he was ahead. So, deciding they needed to break their deadlock and finally put it to rest, the gods sent a message into the underworld to ask for Osiris’ opinion on the situation. The reply from Osiris, though written in hieroglyphs, likely went something like this:
“Guys, he murdered me. Are you seriously asking if he should be king?”
And thus Horus took back his father’s throne, becoming king of the living world as Osiris remained king of the underworld. As for his missing eye, the story comes in many varieties but usually one of three is cited. First, after winning his battle with Seth for the throne, the gods created a new eye from a piece of the moon god Khonsu to replace the one he had lost (a symbol that he proudly showed to his father as a sign they accepted him as king). Alternatively, some say that the eye repeatedly grows back, always dimmer than the original, and Seth repeatedly tears at it to try to leave a wound as severe as the one he’s left with (resulting in the phases of the moon).
But the one that truly shows just how far Egyptian mythology is willing to go starts with the attempted sexual assault of Seth on Horus. After having castrated his uncle, a furious Horus decided that he was going to defile all the lettuce around, knowing it to be his uncle’s favorite food. Seth, either unknowing or being force fed by his pissed off nephew, consumed the tainted lettuce. Upon inspection by the gods, a glowing orb formed in Seth’s forehead, Thoth, the moon god, who would become Horus new eye (and, technically his son).
Lesson learned? Don’t fuck with Horus, literally.
(I write books. As of yet, I have not had a falcon man rip off someone’s testicles, but I’m open to requests.)