Life is full of challenges, everyone can tell you that. One day you may be on top of the world only to find yourself waking up the next day with signs of a nosebleed and a complete inability to remember where you left your pants. This is normal, or at least as normal as some people can get, so all we can ever really do is learn to live with the random things that may befall us in our lives. But not all things that could happen to us are random acts of nature or stupidity. No, some things are coming to challenge you directly and aren’t going to just let you brush them of. When that happens, are you ready to face your inner demons? Or even your outer demons?

Case in point: swimming or even walking on the waterfront can be dangerous. Sure, you’re probably thinking about things like undertow, flash floods, and not being beach body ready. But there are bigger things to consider, worse things to deal with, you’re going to need to be ready for the real threat of the deep. And the question is: when that happens, are you ready for the ultimate challenge?

It’s a three foot tall turtle man and it’s out to kick your ass. You’ve got mere seconds to react and it is coming after you with all the ferocity of a celebutante that thinks you’ve taken a picture of their bad side. What will you do? What will you do?

Fighting a Kappa: A Survival Guide

The Kappa are a noble race who normally mean no ill will towards humanity. However, they’re also incredibly territorial and will attack if they feel you’re provoking them and entering their lands uninvited. When this happens, you’ll find that this normally peaceful fellow will become your worst nightmare quickly. Trained in ancient grappling techniques mirroring the combat arts of the neighboring Sumo wrestlers of Japan, your average Kappa is a squat but powerful creature who needs only to get you into the water to seal your fate. With a low center of gravity, a protective shell, and the advantage of fighting someone confused about being attacked by a turtle man – Kappa almost always win.

In fact, because of these attributes, the only way to defeat a Kappa is to be prepared specifically for Kappa altercations. There is no way around it. Any technique that would be considered useful against another opponent would be dealing with someone at least 2 feet taller than your current foe. Anything that required low blows would be quickly met with a natural cup formed in the eternal forge of evolution. And anything that required you to keep your wits would be really hard to do once you’re thinking to yourself, “God, I’m being assaulted by a turtle man, just like the fortune teller warned me.”

Because of this, one could argue that Kappa preparedness is right up there with swimming lessons and CPR. In fact, though it is rarely commented on, all lifeguards have had at least one month of classes with Sumo wrestlers.

So for the average person, it is imperative to begin preparing for the possibility on the horizon. And with that, first, we must ask you to…

Take this Quiz

A variation on a quiz that has existed for some time (sadly the original is long gone), this will give us a rough estimate of how far you are from being able to handle this sort of challenge. Though it is not apples to apples, it does give us an idea of how well you would do if assaulted by something half your size and lacking the ability to be reasoned with. Anything above a 20 means you have some potential to be able to handle this situation. Anything below and we’re just going to have to tell you to avoid water for the rest of your life.

While taking the Quiz, you should happen to notice what sort of skills and abilities they’re looking for in your fight with the oncoming horde. Each of these are essential not only to the challenge they present but also to the one we present to you as well. So take careful notice of where you may be lacking. These things are going to be important for when it is time to move on from simple analysis and into training for the ultimate battle.

Physical Conditioning

Physically, most people are not prepared to fight off a Kappa or a horde of 5-year-olds. It is not that you’re out of shape, though you may very well be, but that you just aren’t in the right shape to be able to handle the tiny onslaught headed your way. The proper shape is important and will be less like that of a bodybuilder and more like that of a 1930s strongman.

The reason for this is simple, children and Kappa are excellent at climbing solid things but lack the longer arms needed to wrap around a thicker object. Because of this, your natural thickness should make you harder to climb, but you will still require stamina and strength. Because of their lower center of gravity, a well trained five year old or Kappa could use their height against a weak or winded opponent. This has led many a babysitter to their doom over the years.

There are a few ways to improve your ability to last in a fight, but it’s important to focus on ways that will improve your chances in the conflict to come. As such, we recommend that you take up kicking exercises to improve both your strength and stamina at the same time. Kicking is important, as most of the fight will be happening below your waist and it’s important to be able to punt your opponent like an inattentive break-dancer.

The exercises in the link above will strengthen your legs and also get you in better shape for what you need to do, but won’t necessarily fill all the requirements. The Kappa are grapplers and will do what they can to try to grab onto limbs when they come their way. This shouldn’t be too big of a problem if you have perfected your five-year-old punting strategies, but the chance remains they could grab on and not let go. When this happens it’s time to use your upper body strength to try to even the odds. The chief skill you should master in this case is the ability to lift or throw smaller objects that move around a lot. For this you could use…

Tortoises

Well-Paid Trained Little People

Or Your Children

With repetition, you should be able to grab something off of your leg, roll it into the air, and heave it effectively in no time. The importance is to focus on getting the lifting and throwing motion in one move. Also, do note, some of these may be considered immoral and must be done with proper safety precautions. After all, tortoises of sufficient weight are endangered and should be treated with the utmost of care and medical expenses for little people can be extreme due to a variety of complications of their condition. As such, children are recommended: they are bouncy and heal quickly.

Mental Conditioning

Some of you may have recoiled at that very concept. To those of you I say: this is why you will lose your fight with the Kappa. Yes, we’ve all been taught to avoid conflict with people smaller and weaker than ourselves, but that was only a suggestion. Look at nature and ask yourself, do the animals seem to care about size?

This is the sort of thinking that gets us into trouble when it’s been made officially “go time”. You need to be able to break that line of thinking and remember that your foe is going to be fighting in a no-holds-barred frenzy of tiny fists and teeth. Few have suffered the indignities of crotch shots as fierce and frequent as those who encounter these little shits. Many a Birthday Clown has had to sit on an ice pack after a long day of work before crying themselves to sleep. You can’t afford to be that person when dealing with a Kappa, however. After all, they plan to try to drown you if they get you into the water.

So right now it’s time for a mental exercise. Think of someone you truly hate in your life, someone that has made your existence miserable. Now, we want you to picture them as a child. Do you hate that person any less?

If the answer is yes, you’re in trouble and should avoid the water. If the answer is no, congratulations for being able to tell the difference between adorable and harmless. Remember, just because they’re tiny doesn’t mean they don’t want to kill you.

Once keeping that in mind, it’s a good idea to start figuring ways to fight dirty. Groin shots aren’t going to work on the Kappa with their protective shell, but you should be able to grab them by the limbs and swing them around. This can be practiced during your child tossing exercises and is recommended to be done to the most annoying child you can find. Note, however, that you should ensure that annoying child is your own as other parents may take exception to your grabbing and throwing of their demon spawn.

Flipping Kappa upside down is also the sort of dirty tactic that will work best. The loss of the water on their head will immediately force their retreat or render them incapable of fighting back. This sort of attack is the kind of thing that wouldn’t be considered dignified or honorable – but it works. This technique can also be practiced on the recommended sparring partners rather easily.

hanging — Also demonstrating good technique

Preparedness

Finally, it’s important to realize there are ways to prevent a fight with a Kappa just as there are ways to prevent fighting children. For children, maintaining a constant supply of candy is generally recommended, especially around Halloween. Those without candy are well aware how quickly a small child can turn into a screaming demon at the drop of a hat. And many households have been terrorized by children flinging things at their doors for lack of candy on All Hallows Eve or the like. Similarly, Kappa prefer cucumbers and can be bribed into cooperation.

This is not to be confused. Children rarely like to eat cucumbers that haven’t been turned into pickles and Kappa are surprisingly unfond of candy. The bribe must be perfectly suited to the target in question and thus all people should have at least one pocket full of candy and one full of cucumbers at all times. Anyone who doesn’t take this precaution is just silly.

Meanwhile, should you be one of those silly people, another thing that may be useful is to trick them using their own code of honor. Should you bow to a Kappa, they will be forced to return that bow in equal measure. The deeper your bow, the more likely you are to force them to spill the water mentioned in the previous section. Once missing the water, the Kappa is at your whims and will be forced to yield or even serve you. This technique cannot be practiced with children, however, as they have no need for manners or niceties in their daily re-enactment of Lord of the Flies.

These techniques generally do not fail, but general preparation is still the key to survival in situations such as these. Keeping your wits about you and remembering attacks are possible is going to give you an advantage that leads you to potential victory. The majority of these conflicts are mental, after all, and without that killer instinct, you may be faced with shock, awe, and confusion at a time when you cannot afford it. And don’t you for a minute…