The Centaur, once a vital part of society, now relegated to the fringes of civilization due to circumstances beyond their control. Though one would suspect it were the fact they literally walk around as a half-horse who could be recognized from a distance, the truth is that the world has long ago abandoned a need for raw, natural horsepower. Though still appreciated by your lady friends, few tasks in this world truly require the work of a stallion anymore. Yes, while the horse is still sometimes used for a variety of tasks as a matter of tradition or for the simple joy of owning one of these magnificent beasts, few Centaur can appreciate the same status in today’s world. Why, it’s been generations since anyone would ride a Centaur in public without an exchange of money – particularly in seedy bars south of the border.
And because of this, the life of a privileged Centaur has become a dull and isolated existence. Generations of doing heavy lifting no other race could accomplish has managed to make your family quite wealthy, even comfortable. Certainly some Centaur still work, deep in some Gnome’s mine or on a Kappa’s cucumber farm. But such menial labor is no longer a part of your family’s life, things are good for you. Still, you yearn for something else, something is missing in your life. Being waited on hand and hoof has made your life terribly uneventful as you lounge your days away on the private Mediterranean property passed down through your family for generations. Your parents insists that this is merely a phase, but you know what lies in your hearts.
Fortunately, you are not the first bored person with too much money…
Living an Unbridled Life
The good thing about having old money is that very little, if anything, can get in your way. Though your physical condition may cause you to have some difficulties, what with being unable to fit inside most private jets, you do have options available to you. However, the relatively uncommon status of Centaurs does mean you have few examples to look up to when it comes to truly “living it up”. Your horse-like nature suggests that you could potentially spend your days getting pedicures and perhaps even purchasing luxury farm equipment.
But this is hardly stimulating to your human sensibilities and intellect. So there is only one thing to really do. If you are to find things which will speak to your human nature, you will need to follow the examples of those who have human bodies. As such, it is time to take your cues from the wealthy elite.
Yes, the privileged classes of humanity provide an ample pool of examples to draw from. From those who have old money like yourself to the peculiar behaviors of the newly wealthy, what you know from watching the news of these people is that there are plenty of ways to use your wealth and resources to make your mundane life more “interesting”. And, though many people around the world see these people and declare them fools, you are an exception. After all, what more reason do you need to act like a horse’s ass than to literally have a horse’s ass?
First, we must acknowledge that you could simply…
Embrace Your Status
The most obvious solution is to begin using your resources to purchase objects or participate in events that few others could. Spending excessive amounts of money on seemingly frivolous things is a hallmark of the wealthy elite that you too can easily participate in. Though few commoners could afford to do it, you’ll find that some zest is added to your life by purchasing things such as a yacht, property, or special passes to events that only the privileged may participate in.
Obviously, being trapped on your private estate is part of the great issue in your life and being able to leave it will greatly enhance your enjoyment. As private jets are not something that will accommodate one such as yourself, a more appropriate solution would be to purchase a luxury the elite know of as a “megayacht”. A megayacht, the only suitable yacht for the truly privileged, is a craft of such size that it is practically a manor on the seas. Why, if you’re willing to spend the money necessary, you can even get one which is large enough to hold another, smaller, boat within its hull.
With this, you can begin to do what your prodigious hindquarters have prevented you from doing for so long: travel the world. You’ll find that a wealthy person, unencumbered by such limitations, finds that every door is open to them. Events that others would pay their life savings for are merely afternoon distractions for you, and you should feel free to treat them as such. The more expensive these events, the more alive you’ll feel. After all, only someone of your status could afford to spend $12,000 to hobnob with the likes of Ja Rule at the luxurious Fyre Festi-..
Then again they sold $1,500 day passes for lesser people as well. And one wouldn’t want to get sea sick. Maybe, instead, you would find yourself more comfortable keeping your feet on solid ground.
Ah, but perhaps travel is not your cup of tea! Planes are uncomfortable for one of your kind and no one wishes to get seasick on a soggy boat. But you have access to something that many others have spent excessive amounts of money to obtain – the hindquarters of a horse. As such there are activities which you can participate in quite readily without the pesky upkeep of another animal. In fact, for all of the money that you save on not having to keep an expensive horse can be spent to get the finest of sports wear for a centaur on the go.
Once properly equipped, you should be ready for a variety of thrilling activities normally requiring the participants to ride on horseback. Few commoners could afford such a luxury and, like your wealth, you were simply born into it. Running is an obvious start, with your god given talents and a pair of rubber horseshoes you’ll easily beat even the best of track runners and could give a marathon runner a race for their money. However you need not enjoy such solitary activities. You could take up polo, the sport of kings (at least, since having your subjects fight each other on horseback fell out of style). And there is always dressage lessons.
Yes, it is a bit… silly. But the wealthy elite love to take part in such activities and very few commoners participate in such things. In fact, most hadn’t even heard of it until the United States’ 2012 Presidential Election thanks to the Romney family. And, more importantly, it would make your mother happy – she’s been pushing for you to take lessons for years, particularly from that fuzzy little Satyr man who wishes to teach you a four footed version of the Sikinnis dance.
Then again, perhaps the fact it would please your mother is part of the problem. But, should that be the case, you should feel free to…
Express Your Rebellion
As we all know, money buys many things, and of those the most important is the ability to behave like a terrible person with little consequence. Yes, the young and wealthy, thanks in no small part to the terrible affliction known as affluenza, have had difficulty following cultural norms. Yes, affluenza, a burden that you have to face in your life, means you and others like you have no idea what consequences are. This has lead to terrible tragedies, such as being taken to court for things the commoners insist are crimes. Fortunately, due to your disease which prevents you from understanding consequences, few courts will subject you to things such as prison – after all, you would not be able to even understand it. As such, you are free to “experiment”. Some may get into drugs, others into rampant destruction of other’s property, and yet others may simply become Shia Labeouf.
But simply acting out isn’t enough, a cursory glance at the life and times of the most rebellious of the young elite will show that you must make a show of yourself. Piercings, tattoos, and ridiculous hairstyles are a must for the general human, but you certainly have more to work with. May we suggest actual iron horseshoes, a saddle, horse collar, and one of these?
Yes, the mohawk, the closest to a horse mane you can hope for in the centaur world and the easiest way to identify that it’s your turn to be the media’s favorite train-wreck. Like many of the young and privileged you’ll have an opportunity to burn out in a spectacularly public fashion as the world around you is simply incapable of telling you no. And for all their efforts at twerking, terrorizing their neighbors, or getting arrested, few of them can catch as much attention as your magnificent hindquarters.
Then again, perhaps this is all a little too public, maybe you’d rather sow your wild oats in private…
Embrace Your Darker Nature
If behaving more like a horse felt more freeing than you thought it’d be, you’re not alone. Throughout affluent communities, and even some less affluent fringes, there has been a growing trend of paying people to regress to a simpler state of being. Escaping the stress of being expected to act responsibly, these people chase a more innocent existence. And, though not understood by the commoner, these activities can prove to be quite… stimulating. Yes, though few people in this world have the time or money to do so, there’s nothing quite like paying someone to treat you as an adult baby.
But you can take it a step further with an unconventional investment.
Yes, with this mask, a riding crop, and that saddle from your public burnout period, you can truly become one with your inner horse. However this will not be a cheap endeavor and will become a long term cost as it is not enough to simply look like the horse – you require a rider to complete the experience. Unfortunately, as stated before, few are willing to ride a Centaur without an exchange of money in today’s world. Fear not, however, as the lucrative industries around such activities have ensured that someone will be more than willing to cash your check. In fact, should you be fortunate, you may encounter one that the humans would refer to as “freaky”.
It should be noted, however, that you would not wish to be caught doing these things. Though it is true that you have had a life of few, if any, consequences and have now paid to regress beyond even that – it is difficult to purge shame. In fact, one could argue that much of the behavior of some of the people we’ve taken a cue from could be attributed to either a relative lack of shame in the first place or the conflict of a person who needs attention but is ashamed of what they do to obtain it. It could even be argued that the pressures of not “screwing up” when no one has given you guidance about appropriate behavior can cause someone inordinate amounts of stress. One day they’re attempting to take the world by storm only to end up in a crib, wearing a diaper, with a woman they’ve paid to call mommy. The spiral of shame now drives them, the need to escape stress increasing with their growing concern that they may one day be discovered. This feeling becomes overwhelming as they begin to realize how far… they’ve… gone…
Perhaps you should just pick up a hobby you enjoy, something simple and problem free like art, music, or antiquing. Following the examples of humans is a horrible idea, they hardly know what they’re doing. Money makes them crazy when they’re young, and you’re certainly more rational than that. You’ll find your footing, it’s just a phase, and everything will be better once you do. After all, the less you have to do with a genuine horse’s ass like Shia Labeouf…