Category Archives: WTF

WTF Wednesdays: Live Action Dumbo?!

(Updated 8/8/2018: Having seen the trailer, I’m a man of my word, and I’ve given Ehren his due.)

In the often busy and somewhat noisy world of media news, it’s often easy to overlook stories that don’t necessarily reach your particular interests. A lot of people likely didn’t notice the fact Blade, Ghost Rider and Punisher reverted film rights back to Marvel in the last week. Similarly, while a lot of people were hyped about it, it’s possible someone didn’t hear about the fact Ghostbusters 3 may end up featuring an all female team. But what I know a lot of people missed was that Bill Murray has been signed to a different movie… a live action Jungle Book.

f jungle book

He’ll be voicing Baloo the bear. Yeah, Bill Murray is going to be the bear that sang “Bear Necessities” in the (first) Disney movie. Right now people are hopeful this “live action” business is CG animals surrounding a live child because very few people want to see Bill Murray in a bear suit.

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okay, that could be fun

It’s to be expected in today’s environment: we’re doing live action remakes of everything right now. Far be it for me to jump onto the anti-remake bandwagon – I actually get excited about some remakes. But what we have here is a trend where we’re taking films that were specifically more interesting as animated features in order to make them more profitable by appealing to a more adult audience. Frankly, a movie with talking animals is rarely a good idea in anything other than animation.

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And Bill Murray should know this

Disney knew this too. The last time they took a swing at a live action Jungle Book movie they did it with trained animals and Jason Scott Lee doing most of the translating of body language as a more adult Mowgli.

mowgli-wolf

It’s clear here what’s starting to happen. After the success of projects like Alice in Wonderland, Oz the Great and Powerful, and Maleficent; Disney has become enamored with the idea that CG with live actors cuts down on the pesky task of drawing films. And nothing quite proves it like another project they supposedly have on the burner… Dumbo.

dumbo-fly

Let your potential aneurysm pass and click the jump.

WTF is Disney Doing Making a Live Action Dumbo?!

clumsy

Dumbo is the story of a young circus elephant who could fly. Though he believed it to be the power of a magic feather, the truth was that his over-sized ears were keeping him aloft and that the ability was in him all along. Helped by his friend, a mouse named Timothy Q. Mouse, Dumbo becomes one of the leading acts of the circus and is reunited with his mother as they live happily ever after in the circus.

It’s not exactly a complicated story.

So my question is simple: what the hell do you need a live action version for? The majority of Dumbo’s speaking roles, like the Jungle Book, were animals. The animals are thus going to either not speak or, if they do speak, be animated with CG. Dumbo himself is clearly going to be animated with CG because no amount of lift is going to get an actual elephant off the ground.

Flying_elephant
Photoshop barely manages

That means that the only reason they are going live action rather than fully animated is that they’re going to cast some actors into the human roles. These characters played an important role in that short but sweet movie about the conflict within the circus elephant hierarchy and Dumbo’s quest to get back to his mother. Why, without the human characters of Dumbo, you’d be missing a whole one speaking human character.

ringmaster

So of course, the goal here is to get a big name into the role of the Ringmaster like they did with Angelina Jolie, James Franco, and Johnny Depp. But you’d probably have a problem getting an A-lister to be the human star of a movie where their role would be the human tormentor of the innocent elephant calf that’s just trying to fly and be together with its mother. In fact, I’d go so far to say that they’re going to rewrite the film entirely to be about the human characters rather than the titular elephant. But, of course, I could be wrong and it’s entirely possible that the creative team being brought onto this have a good grasp on how to create a good supporting cast of humans without watering down their fantastic titular character. Who did we get for this?

ehren_kruger
This could be… concerning.

Okay! So you’ve got a scenario where you’re dealing with a remake of an animated classic where the odds are very likely that you’re going to flip the narrative to focus on the very expensive human actors you’re about to shoehorn into it. And the man who you’ve entrusted with the screenplay of this endeavor is Ehren Kruger, a member of the crack writing team that introduced us to such rich characters as…

Girl who bends over cars

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Girl who stares into space

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Their boyfriend, screaming wind-up meat puppet

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The Peter Cullen Quote Machine™

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And the only likeable character in the franchise: car robot with no dialogue.

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“I am the best character, I say one fucking thing in four movies”

I’d almost be willing to take bets right now on whether or not this film clocks in under 50% on Rotten Tomatoes if it weren’t for the fact I knew everyone would be going safe money with “rotten”. Yes, there’s a chance that it could turn out better than that, but I’m not confident with one of the crew behind Michael Bay’s Transformers. The worst part is that Kruger wasn’t even involved in the passable original Transformers which was dumb but fun. No, Ehren first contributed to the franchise in Revenge of the Fallen. That’s right, this man first entered the franchise in the same movie that managed to show us a set of characters considered so stereotypical that they’re best compared to the crows from the original Dumbo.

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“And I be done se’n ’bout everything, when I see wreckin’ balls”

To say that I lack confidence in Kruger’s ability to make deep characters wouldn’t be doing it justice: given his filmography, I’d almost trust Freddy Krueger more with a children’s movie. The reason I point out the similarity in names to such a famous horror icon is precisely because of that filmography. Ehren’s other major film contributions have included the likes of Scream 3 and 4, The Ring, The Ring Two, and (scariest of them all) The Brothers Grimm. This man hasn’t touched something heart warming and inspiring in his career as far as I can tell.

I’m going to give him some credit though and go ahead to assume he’s not going to try to turn Dumbo into a thriller about killer elephants. So here’s what I want you to do right now: save this page and write yourself a note to come back to this page when the movie finally releases. I’m going to put my pride where my mouth is and write down a prediction right now as to what the basic premise of this film is going to be. I am so confident in the fact Kruger can not be more original than this that, if I am wrong, I will write an open letter apology to Kruger where I proclaim my respect and admiration for his body of work. So I want someone to remind me of this when this film releases if he’s still attached to is so I can pay up if this is wrong.

Dumbo is the new born elephant of a down on its luck circus. Passed down through generations, this circus is on the verge of closing as the modern world passes by the simple circus life. The newest ringmaster, Sexy McSexypants (name to be determined), is young, inexperienced and desperate to save his family legacy. The bank, ready to foreclose, is breathing down his neck – sending an overbearing and difficult man to act as their proxy. McSexypants is assisted in this by his love interest, the compassionate animal-handler/sexy lion tamer/graceful acrobat (pick one) as they try everything they can to save his family’s business. Through random chance, they find that the youngest elephant, Dumbo, has the ability to fly and plan to use it to save the circus for years to come by using him as the new lead act.

Seriously, when this movie releases, if someone contacts me and shows me that I’m wrong about this, I will write that open letter of apology. But I’m pretty confident in this. I know it’s bad form to throw another writer under the bus (especially one who’s been a producer for a few films). But, if you’re going to flip the script on something like this, it probably helps to get the guy most likely to make this work. And as for whether or not the plot outline I just laid out would be a bad movie? Not necessarily, it could even be decent. But let’s just say…

I’m skeptical.

(I write books. If the plot synopsis is inaccurate, I’ll also write an apology to Ehren Kruger if he’s still attached to the project. Be there!)

Legend of Korra: Victim of Casual Stupid

Years ago, the basic cable channel Nickelodeon took a risk on an animated series brought to them by a pair of guys with a 10 minute pilot film produced by a Korean animation studio. The product they got was Avatar: The Last Airbender – one of the most original American animation projects in decades. Frankly, Nickelodeon executives weren’t sure what they had at the time. So it made sense that they only paid only for the first 7 episodes with further episodes to be determined as they went. It soon extended the order to 14 and, before long, ended up with 60 episodes for a series that had been an unknown quantity not long before.

It was a smash hit.

Nickelodeon suddenly had a series that was regularly garnering 4 million viewers an episode, with the final episodes reaching a spectacular 5 million viewers – unheard of for basic cable, especially animation. With charm, style and a more inclusive world view featuring the cultures of many races and religions, Avatar was easily one of the biggest surprise hits of its time. And it came to an end on an incredible high note, leaving everyone, especially the fans, wondering what was to come from the creative minds that brought it to the screen.

Then there was an unfortunate detour: a man who shall remain nameless was put at the helm of a live action movie. And, in ironic fashion, despite being of Indian descent, the man at the helm decided to make decidedly darker characters surprisingly white. Combined with a bad screenplay, stilted dialogue, horrible acting, broken direction, and a hefty dose of exposition – the movie bombed. The very feel of the franchise was gone, washed away in the director’s ego and mismanagement of the film. And, worse, the producers mismanaged it as well by handing it to him in the first place. Fans were, needless to say, not happy.

But then good news was on the horizon and the original creators were back with a brand new story in the same world. They introduced us to Korra, the next Avatar and the reincarnation of Aang, the protagonist of the first series. Korra was tough, energetic, enthusiastic and brimming with personality. She was a strong female character done RIGHT and with a touch of understanding as to who the audience was and where the franchise could go to keep feeling fresh.

Unfortunately, Nickelodeon didn’t see it this way and decided that the series that brought them 5 million viewers the last time they aired it suddenly wasn’t trustworthy. They started to throttle the production of the series and downgraded it into a mini-series before eventually realizing this new chapter was just as popular as the last and green-lighting production of a full series.

Why did they strangle their franchise with indecisiveness? Well, according to at least two people behind the scenes: because Korra was a girl.

And the comedy of errors began… Continue reading Legend of Korra: Victim of Casual Stupid

Coming soon to Fo-…oops, cancelled

So as I’ve been making my way through mythologies of the world I’ve been aiming to try to point out that there are more sources to be used than the typical Eurocentric folklore that has dominated much of the fantasy genre. In the course of that, as of just this week I’ve covered Egypt and pointed out that it would be just a wonderful idea to use it because it could be used in literally any fashion you need to.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out that Fox had green-lit the production of a show called Hieroglyph, an ancient Egyptian fantasy series created by Travis Beacham of Pacific Rim fame. It was like TV was listening to me already, and apparently Fox was so in love with the concept and Travis’ work up to that point that they skipped right on past making the pilot and instead ordered a full 13 episodes to begin production immediately. There’s advertising for it already with promotional shots of the cast in full costume and looking all Egyptian and the first episode has already filmed and they’ve begun production on the next 12 episodes and-…

Oh, it’s cancelled already.

WTF Fox? Continue reading Coming soon to Fo-…oops, cancelled

WTF Wednesdays – HBO Couldn’t Adapt American Gods?

Neil Gaiman is a member of the nerd god pantheon. Though few of the mainstream know him by name, he’s definitely the Nerd Pantheon’s Hermes to Joss Whedon’s Poseidon (who can make a ship sink or sail with very little warning) and George R.R. Martin’s Hades (for he presides over grim shit and dead people). Gaiman is the nerdy trickster, whimsical, on the move, still providing wisdom from on high but mostly just creating things with a flair for batshit and little care for what could be considered normal. Gaiman is to books what Tim Burton is to movies (except he hasn’t overstayed his welcome and doesn’t have a fetish for Depp in white makeup).

Burton’s been doing this to Depp for decades.

So it makes sense that one of Gaiman’s most popular works is a novel talking about the modern interpretation and existence of gods. American Gods is a whimsical little take on modern society and the evolution of culture, with old gods adjusting to the modern society while new gods are born out of concepts such as the internet and television. It was a great premise and obviously ripe for the picking for a television adaptation. And, considering how well they’ve been doing with book adaptations on TV, everyone was kind of hyped when HBO picked it up.

Then HBO lost the option and said they couldn’t make the concept work… WTF? Continue reading WTF Wednesdays – HBO Couldn’t Adapt American Gods?

WTF Wednesday: Publishers Price-Fixing?

Years ago, when the eBook market was just beginning to form, there was a problem that everyone faced: what the hell do you charge for digital content? To this day, we still don’t have an absolutely settled price-point and it’s hard for all of us to come to a decision just what our work is worth (especially for independents).

But then along came this strange stigma that made some sense in a way but in truth was a fabrication. According to conventional wisdom; if it’s priced low, it’s a shitty book that wasn’t ready for prime-time. This perception is guided primarily based on the fact that the higher-end authors came onto the market with books that were near or completely full-priced compared to their print companions. In essence, the stigma of the vanity press started to bleed into the image of independently published eBooks.

And it makes sense, doesn’t it? Obviously, those big names were offering their books at full price and managing to do really well despite competing against each other. The traditional publishers were right: quality material didn’t have to drop below a certain price to get a market shar-

Oh, they price-fixed the market and made back room deals so they wouldn’t have to compete with each other?

Well then… Continue reading WTF Wednesday: Publishers Price-Fixing?

WTF Wednesday: Twilight was GOOD for feminism?

So, let’s get it out of the way, you’ve read the title and you know what this is about. And, more than likely, you disagree with it. Most people do. But let me clarify something right away: I am not saying Bella Swan or the story around her is good for feminism, I’m saying the success of the series is good for feminism. No role that could accurately be portrayed by Kristen Stewart has the depth necessary to be good for anyone.

Btw, it’s still not funny she’s in an adaptation of 1984.

I know making that distinction isn’t quite enough since Twilight has been held up by some to be one of the most misogynistic things to have ever been written by a woman. This is accurate as the story is terrible and full of problematic elements. It’s the story about one of the weakest characters of all time being stalked by a man old enough to be her great, great grandfather. Over the course of the series Bella even goes so far as to try to kill herself in order to see him in her near-death hallucinations. The idea any of this could be good for feminism is enough to make just about anyone scoff – including myself from last week.

But recently Divergent came to theaters and the reviews came in. Many of those reviews were lukewarm, but one brief discussion about the film pointed out something to me that I had not thought about. Despite the fact the movie has had some rough reviews, everyone can see that it is a clear success as its opening weekend was damn impressive. And because movies like that continue to succeed, we’re going to continue to see more YA adaptations. And that’s where the revelation kicks in.

The fact is: YA adaptations are responsible for the casting of more female protagonists in big budget movies than any other trend in cinematic history. So, despite everything… Continue reading WTF Wednesday: Twilight was GOOD for feminism?

WTF Whenever: Censorship For God?

For as long as there have been movies, there have been religious fundamentalists trying to bring an end to them. Since the things started there’ve been people proclaiming them as the work of devil and some would argue it’s appropriate Charlie Chaplain shared facial hair with Hitler. Their general argument over the years has been that having something you can actually see is going to somehow corrupt the minds of the people seeing it. This is an understandable position for someone with a third grade education: anyone who can make still images move is clearly a witch.

Some even claim to be “warlocks”
After a century or so of dealing with angry villagers at their gates, studios have gotten pretty good at tuning these people out and just selling the four cardinal sins: sex, drugs, violence and popcorn. The turning point was probably about the time when literacy rates spiked enough that everyone could actually read the book rather than just leaving it to one guy per town. Because anyone familiar with the Old Testament knows it’s 90% sex, drugs and violence in the first place.
Including massive amounts of incest!
But in recent weeks they’ve gone to new lengths. Just this last week Frozen was accused of being gay propaganda created by the devil to convert children into new homosexuals. Aside from the fact that it takes some stretching to even see how one character might be gay, I have it on good authority that my girlfriend and her roommate went to see that movie together and haven’t once made out since. Aside from proving they might be wrong it could also stand as ground on false advertising if these guys keep it up.
“I was promised hot lesbian action involving ice cubes.”
But the real prize winners have to be for the people who protested Paramount and Fox recently over Noah and Cosmos. You see, Paramount had the gall to do a version of Noah’s ark that was filmable while Fox went and tried to teach kids science. But the part that really gets me is that, in both cases, the nutjobs won. I expect crazy to come out of the fundamentalists, but for the studios and their affiliates I’ve gotta ask…

Continue reading WTF Whenever: Censorship For God?

WTF Wednesdays: Another Book Deal For The Kardashians?

Haha, the news media is talking about there being a new novel from the “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” brood. Stupid media, they did that years ago, polishing up their lives with “interesting” bits and releasing it as a novel called Dollhouse. Yet you guys are acting like it just happened. We all know the Kardashians haven’t gone back to reading and writing since disagreeing with the dietary advice they got from “Green Eggs And Ham“. Man you guys are slo-

Oh crap, there’s more of them?

Who the hell is that? Jenner? What the hell is a Jenner?! And what do you mean they have a publishing deal for a book that releases next year? They look like they’re still in high-school!

Apparently, if you’re in that bloodline it doesn’t matter if your manuscript is written in crayon. Though it wouldn’t be the first time a member of the family managed to make a lot of money with only a 9thgrade reading level.

So WTF is up with…

Continue reading WTF Wednesdays: Another Book Deal For The Kardashians?

WTF “Wednesday”: Forming a cult might be too easy

So, full disclosure, this isn’t Wednesday. I had a semi-rough week getting myself motivated and I decided five posts this week just wasn’t going to happen. I’ll try harder next week, but just pretend it’s Wednesday anyway!

Anyone who has been keeping up with me this week may be wondering just what it is I have against L. Ron Hubbard besides the fact he was a horrible person. Though I laid out in the first entry of the week that people like him (or anyone adding to the culture) could influence the shape of the world, it still might not be too clear just why, of all the people I could hate on, I’m hating on a dead man for the week.

The fact of the matter is the reason why I dug up L. Ron’s work and his corrupt influence is because I’ve been watching for the last couple of weeks as people repeatedly got sucked into the same damned effect that gave that man power in the first place. There’s a force that allows people to leverage their exposure into this near omnipotent position in the cultural mindset. And when someone is given this kind of power, it can often bite the creative world in the ass.

So what the fuck is up with…

Continue reading WTF “Wednesday”: Forming a cult might be too easy

WTF Wednesdays: Nineteen Eighty-Four starring Kristen Stewart?!

In an effort to start routinely updating this blog more regularly than I did before, one of the things I needed to do was find a way to write five blog posts routinely. So then as I was trying to think of something to write, I was browsing news stories and saw something that just made me go “WTF”. After some consideration, I realized that the goofball I am would totally write a column on Wednesdays called “WTF Wednesdays”. So, here we are!

WTF is up with…

Continue reading WTF Wednesdays: Nineteen Eighty-Four starring Kristen Stewart?!