Saint Patrick’s Day has rolled on through and you just woke up from your blind stupor. That was some party, wasn’t it? You’re dazed, confused and probably wondering just what the hell you did over the last couple of days. First, just to be clear, as of this writing, it is Monday, you blacked out and it’s probably for the best you can’t remember what you did for that day. If you go to church, though, they are going to be judgmental about it next week. As a catholic this is fine since you’re likely to just have to say a few Hail Marys and put up with being nudged a little when it’s your turn with the sacramental wine. But there’s some more important things to consider.

Don’t be ashamed to admit that you’ve had a problem in the past. Obviously, if you’re reading this now with a cup of coffee and no memory of the last 48 hours, you’ve had a bit of a drinking problem. With your tendency to get blitzed to the point of complete blackout, you’ve likely got a record (unless, of course, you work for Wall Street, then you’ve probably been rewarded for your criminal activities during your momentary lapse of consciousness).

So, if you do have a probation, and you probably do, there’s a quick checklist you need to check before you continue on with your day:

1. Are you in the hole?

You may be reading this on a smartphone or a laptop, something that you had with you mysteriously when you woke up in a strange environment. First things first – check to see where you woke up. Is there garbage? Dirt? Naked bodies? If the answer to any of these is yes, you should do your best to get out of or off of whatever it is you woke up with. If you’re physically in a hole, you’ve apparently degraded back to natural instincts, your people have long lived in underground burrows and it’s only natural to want to go home when the only brain-cells functioning are from the primitive end of the brain.

 

However, the hole you’re in may be figurative: check for bars. Are the windows barred? Is the pile of naked people you’re with inside a mostly concrete room? Can you feel a draft or hear your butt whistle? If yes, call your lawyer or someone who can post bail – preferably both.

Failing that, get someone cheap

If no, onto step 2.

2. Check the damage (physical)

This is going to be hard to admit to yourself, but you have to come to terms with it: You probably picked a fight with someone.

 

This is easily forgiven on Saint Patrick’s Day and the days immediately before and after it, everyone’s been there at some point. But regardless of whether or not it was culturally acceptable you have to start checking yourself and those around you for signs of injuries that may require immediate attention.

First of all, worry only for the injuries that are visible on the outside or can actually be dealt with. In other words, we all know your liver’s had it, so don’t stress about it right now. Check for cuts, bruises, foreign objects stuck in strange places.

 

If you find them, try to figure how they came about. If any of these signs are present, you’ve probably been in a bit of a brawl. Figure out with who and make sure no one’s looking to press charges.

If the worst you have is a bald spot that seems to have been shaved clean, you’ve likely just been in a prank war, proceed to step 3.

Though, sometimes, it still might be criminal

 3. Check the damage (house)

By now you should be clear headed enough to figure out whether or not the house is in good or bad condition. Obvious cosmetic damage should be readily apparent once you’ve stopped seeing three of everything and are able to discern details from the formless blobs of color that you awoke to. But don’t forget that there’s a damn good chance, given your family’s history and the history of civilization as a whole, that you may have booby-trapped the environment for similarly drunk, unsuspecting party goers.

Gotcha!

Is the toilet covered in plastic wrap? Is there glue on the toilet paper? Has anyone positioned buckets of what you hope to be lemon juice over doorways? Most importantly, has anyone been stuffed into anything that may require the fire department to get them out of? If yes, once you’ve stopped piecing it together with them how exactly they got in there, call for help and stay out of the way while the rescue workers do their job.

“Every fucking St. Patty’s Day”

If no, and you’ve managed to successfully disarm all of the booby traps in the house, onto the final step.

 4. Find the Pot

Okay, this step has been held off for a while. You know it, I know it, it’s probably in the house. You’ve done everything to kick the habit and you’ve been pretty good about it for a long time. But you have no idea what you’ve done or where you’ve been in the last 48 hours and with that much time black out drunk the pot can’t be that far behind.

It’s okay, we understand, it’s hard stopping something like that when you’re under the influence. A few drinks and before long things that were just uncomfortable before now become tipping points. Passing the usual places, the places you wandered into during your sober times just to look around, tempted by the prospect of buying something when you could get it cheap. All of those moments of lovingly staring at cookware in the local department store coming back to you right now.

 

Is it there? Is it full of gold? Do you know where the gold came from?

If it is and you don’t, it’s time to find out where before someone starts asking questions. Even if the fighting, or the substance abuse, or whatever the hell happened with those people on your floor doesn’t get you – stealing the gold is probably a one way trip back to the joint. Unless, of course, you work for Wall Street. In that case you apparently came away from it unharmed.

If that’s the case, congratulations for surviving another binge-drinking mind blowing night of debauchery and misdemeanors.

Close calls are half the fun, eh?

If any of this is applicable to you, you’ll probably be interested in my books. Both are harmless ways to spend your time that wont cause any fights… hopefully.