Category Archives: Satire

Sprucing Up Your Hole In The Wall

Congratulations on moving out on your own. The family was getting to be a bit too much to deal with in such limited space, but you’ve finally got some space of your own. Things are looking up. And it’s such a steal too, despite the high price of real estate and the fact you’re living in a major metropolis you managed to get some wonderful space that most people would have to pay thousands of dollars every month for.

crawlspace

But, despite your enthusiasm, you have to admit to yourself that it is still just a little bit cramped. Luckily for you, we live in a world where people have figured out how to live in just about any environment with some planning and space saving techniques.

Cramped-Apartments

And your people have been doing it longer than most. After all, your grandfather would consider you spoiled for living in such wonderful conditions now. You have walls, a ceiling, and probably some running water that is easily accessible through the dripping pipe. So really the only question left is: how do you make your choice real estate feel more comfortable? Continue reading Sprucing Up Your Hole In The Wall

Putting To Rest Old Rivalries

Times are hard, we’ve all seen it and we’ve all experienced it. Bad things happen to good people and that can leave some pretty heavy rifts in family. Sometimes you might find yourself at odds with a cousin, an uncle, maybe your own mother. But these are things that are thinner than blood, these are things that should be something you can get over. Maybe it’s easier said than done, but there shouldn’t be impossible to cross chasms in relationships born out of a mutual origin.

Let’s face it guys, it’s time to mend the broken fences. It’s time to come to terms over the past mistakes and move on with all of our lives. It’s time to…

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Tips to Survive a Jiangshi Attack

You’re walking the streets of Chinatown (or maybe even China itself) when suddenly you hear a strangely bouncy set of steps coming your way. You look around at the dark, empty street for a moment before laying eyes on a shadowy figure coming your way.

Though not as violent or aggressive as they’re depicted in the stories and folklore, you’ve somehow managed to cross a Jiangshi. Perhaps you’ve insulted their honor, risked their family business or have crossed a member of the Jiangshi Tong. Maybe they just didn’t want any trouble while protecting a baby.

Whatever the cause, you’d be understandably overwhelmed with the prospect of getting out of this situation without a great deal of medical attention and a possible stay in the ICU. For as many times as the famous figures of the race have been hospitalized, you have to wonder what happened to the other guys. After all, if someone made them bleed then they must have been highly skilled fighters. How the hell are you supposed escape?

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Striking Out: How to get a date as a Sasquatch

Valentine’s Day is coming, the day of love, romance and feeling like someone would care if you were struck down by a freak accident. Someone will come to your funeral, you’re technically not dying alone. Or, hey, maybe you’re just out to get laid. That’s cool too.

But you’re not doing any of those things, are you? You’re reading this blog instead. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that as a part of my audience you’re a Sasquatch.

There’s nothing wrong with being a Sasquatch. But let’s be perfectly honest, it’s hard getting a date when you’re wandering the woods in your birthday suit. The only person respected for disappearing in the woods for weeks at a time with nothing to their name is Les Stroud.

So let’s see if we can figure out how to fix you up so you can have a date next Valentine’s.

Continue reading Striking Out: How to get a date as a Sasquatch

Evidence Kim Kardashian Is Not A Hobbit

As long time readers of this blog will know, we here at Walnut Dust (me, the dog, and the handful of you who are frequent readers) are not fans of Kim Kardashian. However, in a recent episode of South Park, a grave injustice was carried out against Ms. Kardashian which we, as supporters of Alters rights, cannot abide by.

Kim Kardashian is not a Hobbit, she is a Dwarf, and this mislabeling is simply racist.

The markers for being a Dwarf are fairly prevalent, the description given that she was shorter, stubbier, and more pear-shaped than she appeared to be in Photoshopped images was quite correct. But the distinct differences between Dwarves and Hobbits are enough that this label is an unfair assessment of both races which shall not pass. In an effort to set the record straight, I will now list the most profound reasons that Kim Kardashian could not be a Hobbit. Continue reading Evidence Kim Kardashian Is Not A Hobbit

5 Tips For Driving In The Modern Day

You live to drive. In fact, you have a desperate need to drive. Some even say that if you stop driving that someone is going to immediately die.

But with the number of vehicles on the road growing everyday and the population continually on the rise it’s only a matter of time before you get pushed into a situation where your knowledge of driving etiquette will be tested. Though the driver’s test will fill you in on quite a bit of it, a lot of videos (especially out of Russia) have told us that people in general ignore the material covered in the test almost immediately after leaving the building. This leaves most people having learned the rules of the road via media, leaving them with choices such as Fast and the Furious:

Or The Great Race:

Clearly, neither of these are accurate source material for the road. And, on the chance you may think they are, it’s probably a good idea for us to brush up.

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Five Easy Steps To Avoid Becoming An Evil Prick

It’s a brand new millennium and you’re at the start of the journey we call life. You’re vital, unattached, vibrant and ready to take on the world or at least find your place in it. You’re the strongest you’ll ever be and there’s nothing in this world that can stop you.

But there’s a lot going on in the world and society has become so interconnected that it’s easy to get led astray. Sometimes this means that you’re going to be tempted to do things that would be considered “unclean”, “unwise” or just down-right “evil”.

This is perfectly okay, everyone experiences it. But in your case, with the way you are, it could be a little unfortunate if you happened to lose your shit and go wild. There’s historical record of what happens when people with your sort of advantages start to lose perspective.

So as a helpful piece of advice, here are some steps to save your sanity in these trying times.

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Checklist: 5 Signs A Celebrity Is Using Witchcraft

Long ago during a dark time there was a movement to flush out and destroy all witches and warlocks among the population. But as time has passed and civilization has changed we’ve come to a point where witches and warlocks may not only be accepted but even made famous. Hell, even Charlie Sheen claimed to be a Warlock when his career was at risk.

However, with the simultaneous claims of having tiger-blood, it’s also likely he may be a were-beast and thus it’s hard to know for sure what type of metamorph the man may be. So how do you know for a fact when a celebrity is using witchcraft? Let’s take a look.

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Dating a Succubus: Steps Towards A Successful Relationship

A nymphomaniac with an impressive physique and a charming personality: you’ve hit the jackpot there. Dating a succubus or incubus is a wonderful little adventure that many fantasize about in the late hours of the night. Even modern media has shown the exciting life and times of our brothers and sisters of the night as shows like Lost Girl heavily feature the love life of their Succubus protagonist.

But everyone has heard the stories of people dying of heart attacks or being found the dried out husk on the shore with a smile on their face. Everyone has seen the old portraits of demonic entities sucking the life out of helpless victims in their bedrooms. So how do you keep yourself from becoming one of them?

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