Category Archives: Satire

Sprucing Up Your Hole In The Wall

Congratulations on moving out on your own. The family was getting to be a bit too much to deal with in such limited space, but you’ve finally got some space of your own. Things are looking up. And it’s such a steal too, despite the high price of real estate and the fact you’re living in a major metropolis you managed to get some wonderful space that most people would have to pay thousands of dollars every month for.


But, despite your enthusiasm, you have to admit to yourself that it is still just a little bit cramped. Luckily for you, we live in a world where people have figured out how to live in just about any environment with some planning and space saving techniques.


And your people have been doing it longer than most. After all, your grandfather would consider you spoiled for living in such wonderful conditions now. You have walls, a ceiling, and probably some running water that is easily accessible through the dripping pipe. So really the only question left is: how do you make your choice real estate feel more comfortable? Continue reading Sprucing Up Your Hole In The Wall

Putting To Rest Old Rivalries

Times are hard, we’ve all seen it and we’ve all experienced it. Bad things happen to good people and that can leave some pretty heavy rifts in family. Sometimes you might find yourself at odds with a cousin, an uncle, maybe your own mother. But these are things that are thinner than blood, these are things that should be something you can get over. Maybe it’s easier said than done, but there shouldn’t be impossible to cross chasms in relationships born out of a mutual origin.

Let’s face it guys, it’s time to mend the broken fences. It’s time to come to terms over the past mistakes and move on with all of our lives. It’s time to…

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Striking Out: How to get a date as a Sasquatch

Valentine’s Day is coming, the day of love, romance and feeling like someone would care if you were struck down by a freak accident. Someone will come to your funeral, you’re technically not dying alone. Or, hey, maybe you’re just out to get laid. That’s cool too.

But you’re not doing any of those things, are you? You’re reading this blog instead. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that as a part of my audience you’re a Sasquatch.

There’s nothing wrong with being a Sasquatch. But let’s be perfectly honest, it’s hard getting a date when you’re wandering the woods in your birthday suit. The only person respected for disappearing in the woods for weeks at a time with nothing to their name is Les Stroud.

So let’s see if we can figure out how to fix you up so you can have a date next Valentine’s.

Continue reading Striking Out: How to get a date as a Sasquatch

Evidence Kim Kardashian Is Not A Hobbit

As long time readers of this blog will know, we here at Walnut Dust (me, the dog, and the handful of you who are frequent readers) are not fans of Kim Kardashian. However, in a recent episode of South Park, a grave injustice was carried out against Ms. Kardashian which we, as supporters of Alters rights, cannot abide by.

Kim Kardashian is not a Hobbit, she is a Dwarf, and this mislabeling is simply racist.

The markers for being a Dwarf are fairly prevalent, the description given that she was shorter, stubbier, and more pear-shaped than she appeared to be in Photoshopped images was quite correct. But the distinct differences between Dwarves and Hobbits are enough that this label is an unfair assessment of both races which shall not pass. In an effort to set the record straight, I will now list the most profound reasons that Kim Kardashian could not be a Hobbit. Continue reading Evidence Kim Kardashian Is Not A Hobbit

5 Tips For Driving In The Modern Day

You live to drive. In fact, you have a desperate need to drive. Some even say that if you stop driving that someone is going to immediately die.

But with the number of vehicles on the road growing everyday and the population continually on the rise it’s only a matter of time before you get pushed into a situation where your knowledge of driving etiquette will be tested. Though the driver’s test will fill you in on quite a bit of it, a lot of videos (especially out of Russia) have told us that people in general ignore the material covered in the test almost immediately after leaving the building. This leaves most people having learned the rules of the road via media, leaving them with choices such as Fast and the Furious:

Or The Great Race:

Clearly, neither of these are accurate source material for the road. And, on the chance you may think they are, it’s probably a good idea for us to brush up.

Continue reading 5 Tips For Driving In The Modern Day

Five Easy Steps To Avoid Becoming An Evil Prick

It’s a brand new millennium and you’re at the start of the journey we call life. You’re vital, unattached, vibrant and ready to take on the world or at least find your place in it. You’re the strongest you’ll ever be and there’s nothing in this world that can stop you.

But there’s a lot going on in the world and society has become so interconnected that it’s easy to get led astray. Sometimes this means that you’re going to be tempted to do things that would be considered “unclean”, “unwise” or just down-right “evil”.

This is perfectly okay, everyone experiences it. But in your case, with the way you are, it could be a little unfortunate if you happened to lose your shit and go wild. There’s historical record of what happens when people with your sort of advantages start to lose perspective.

So as a helpful piece of advice, here are some steps to save your sanity in these trying times.

Continue reading Five Easy Steps To Avoid Becoming An Evil Prick

Checklist: 5 Signs A Celebrity Is Using Witchcraft

Long ago during a dark time there was a movement to flush out and destroy all witches and warlocks among the population. But as time has passed and civilization has changed we’ve come to a point where witches and warlocks may not only be accepted but even made famous. Hell, even Charlie Sheen claimed to be a Warlock when his career was at risk.

However, with the simultaneous claims of having tiger-blood, it’s also likely he may be a were-beast and thus it’s hard to know for sure what type of metamorph the man may be. So how do you know for a fact when a celebrity is using witchcraft? Let’s take a look.

Continue reading Checklist: 5 Signs A Celebrity Is Using Witchcraft

Dating a Succubus: Steps Towards A Successful Relationship

A nymphomaniac with an impressive physique and a charming personality: you’ve hit the jackpot there. Dating a succubus or incubus is a wonderful little adventure that many fantasize about in the late hours of the night. Even modern media has shown the exciting life and times of our brothers and sisters of the night as shows like Lost Girl heavily feature the love life of their Succubus protagonist.

But everyone has heard the stories of people dying of heart attacks or being found the dried out husk on the shore with a smile on their face. Everyone has seen the old portraits of demonic entities sucking the life out of helpless victims in their bedrooms. So how do you keep yourself from becoming one of them?

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How Simon Cowell Stopped The Siren Invasion

By the turn of the millennium, with the advent of the internet, a looming threat was on the horizon. The internet had provided avenues for charismatic creatures such as the Siren and Nix to begin reaching whole new crops of victims to be swayed by their acts. Those who were in the know watched in great anticipation and fear as the internet’s power continued to grow and become a valuable resource for those who would corrupt it. And, with the announcement of a new talent show called Pop Idol, an old fear returned from the depths.

Once upon a time, the Sirens had attempted a similar strategy. Though the 80s had been marked primarily by Reaganomics and the unleashing of the old god Gordon Gekko upon civilization, the lesser known crisis brought on by Star Search had been monitored closely by those who feared the coming of a Siren overlord. Ed McMahon, an early thrall of the Sirens provided an audience for fledgling Sirens attempting to gain power through the use of television. But with the cancellation of the show in 1995, Ed McMahon was once again returned to his tomb and the threat was averted.

Until the announcement of Pop Idol and it’s American counterpart.

Clearly an attempt to summon an ancient evil from the depths of the sea

With the more powerful networking resources available to them, the Sirens would easily be able to take the world over in short form with this new resource. More importantly, the act of getting the audience to interact with the show meant thousands of people would be drawn in deeper.  It was only a matter of time before this Pop Idol provided the foot hold for our new overlords. But before this fate could befall us, one man stepped forward and said “no” in sarcastic and belittling ways. That man was Simon Cowell.

But how did he prevent our enslavement by the unscrupulous “entertainers” that threatened to flood the airwaves with their song?

Continue reading How Simon Cowell Stopped The Siren Invasion